BUSY MAKING A BABY!!!!!! Wa- hoo!!!
It finally happened for us, we are expecting our third and final child to complete our little family!
So I'll back up a little in case you are new to this little party.
After this, we waited the requisite two months to start trying again. In the meantime, I continued to track my cycle and research ways to help me get pregnant. We set a time limit of three months as it was time to move on. I was at peace with this decision, and that was not easy to do. The first two months came and went. I was frustrated, again, so the third month I essentially gave up. We had Blake's birthday, it was 4th of July, I had oodles of cookie orders, family coming into town to excited about... And so we didn't really 'try'.
A couple days after our family left town again (and of course having some wine with their visit!!!), I was feeling off. Headaches (sometimes normal for me), nausea in between meals (NEVER normal for me), blood sugar off... I went home from work early on a Tuesday, took a nap and asked W to go get me a test. (yea, I was out of my stockpile, lol!) He asked why I couldn't just wait till the next day...Have we met?!?!?!?!? I wanted to test, but really I didn't have any expectations. We weren't even trying, I had no idea when I ovulated, the chances of being pregnant were so small. but..it was POSITIVE!!!!! OMG OMG OMG!!! I called the Dr's office the very next day. Beta #1 was 22, Beta #2 48 hours later was 61.4!! YAY! We are finally moving in the right direction!
I made my first appointment at 9 weeks and they gave me a firm due date of April 1! baby looked great and had a heartbeat...huge sigh of relief! Dr right off the bat states that the goal with me is to make it to 36 weeks for delivery. So our game plan will be the same as we did with Blake. 17P injections here we come! Also she saw a cyst so another ultrasound to be scheduled in 4 weeks.
Everything has been progressing normally so far...baby measured right on track at the 13 wk ultrasound, the cyst was gone and we were able to get a preliminary gender!!
At 16 weeks we had a cervical length check...measured great, within range of normal. However baby is breech and we were not able to definitively confirm gender. So another cervical check at 18 weeks..still measuring great and baby is a GIRL!!!!!!
Her name will be Natalie Michelle...and so many people are ready to spoil her after being the first girl grandbaby in nearly 12 years! We are so blessed with the friends and family that we have and so thankful for their support over the last year and a half..I haven't directly expressed my thanks to you...THANK YOU!!
So that brings us up to the present..I am 18 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Potentially already past 'my' halfway point! If all goes well baby should be here sometime in March.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Potty (Training) Humor
We are now deep into potty training Blake...woo-hoo!! For the last 6-ish months, he has been very sporadic and we have tried multiple times, only for him to go once on his own or with some urging by myself or W and then to have an accident not even 10 minutes later. We didn't want to push him if he wasn't ready as it just creates more work for us so as not to be counter effective. At this point though, we've got to get this done so he can go to school this fall!
But this weekend...he finally showed signs of being consistent! So here we are, day 5 of no diapers during the day (Charles night trained himself and I am hoping for the same for Blake...not sure how else to do it). He has had 1, maybe two accidents per day and I am ok with that.
So now some humor from yesterday:
1) While on the potty, mid-stream, he tells W "my pee-pee got bigger". LOL!! yes thank you for pointing that out...umm, thanks?
2) After I got home from work, relaxing on the couch, W goes to check on him in the kitchen and I hear "What are you doing? Go sit on the potty!!" Blake had retrieved a measuring cup (the 1/4 one to be exact, not one I use for cookies..just FYI), set it on the floor and was in the process of 'filling' it! OMG!! W says, "well he has good aim, he didn't get any on the floor until I startled him" We were both dying laughing!!!!
I'm sure we'll have more before this is all over...but so glad to be moving past diapers with him!
But this weekend...he finally showed signs of being consistent! So here we are, day 5 of no diapers during the day (Charles night trained himself and I am hoping for the same for Blake...not sure how else to do it). He has had 1, maybe two accidents per day and I am ok with that.
So now some humor from yesterday:
1) While on the potty, mid-stream, he tells W "my pee-pee got bigger". LOL!! yes thank you for pointing that out...umm, thanks?
2) After I got home from work, relaxing on the couch, W goes to check on him in the kitchen and I hear "What are you doing? Go sit on the potty!!" Blake had retrieved a measuring cup (the 1/4 one to be exact, not one I use for cookies..just FYI), set it on the floor and was in the process of 'filling' it! OMG!! W says, "well he has good aim, he didn't get any on the floor until I startled him" We were both dying laughing!!!!
I'm sure we'll have more before this is all over...but so glad to be moving past diapers with him!
Friday, February 14, 2014
My Story vs Your Story
When I shared my story the other day, I also linked it up to the good ol' facebook. I know that a lot of our friends did not know that we had these things going on. My post caption said something about life challenges, some worse than others. This could be taken one of two ways I suppose...1) One person's individual struggles vary in degrees or 2) a mine vs. yours comparison. My post really meant to encompass #1.
I never want to compare my struggle to yours, or vice versa. It should never be a competition. And YOUR story is just as important as mine. I had/have many friends, of varying degrees of closeness, that I know have struggled or still struggle with some sort of infertility or loss. Or maybe they are just going through a tough time in other areas of their life. YOUR story matters too.
No, I didn't get any negative comments...but I also want my friends to know that I have probably thought of them (if I knew their story) more than they know. Friends that have had loss and now have their little blessings. Friends that struggled to get their blessing. Friends that recently went through a loss. I still think of them.
I also appreciated that some friends privately shared their story with me. Sharing the pain. Relating. Early pregnancy and Miscarriage are such a private thing and despite the public posting that is facebook these days, so much is still not shared (not that you have too!). Its so hard to know who can relate to you, who has been through it to share your pain with you, who may actually NOT want to know about it.
Anyway, I guess the point of my post today is to say that I just wanted to share my story. I am not trying to say my story is worse than yours or others. I was not trying to get pity. I know that in the grand scheme of things, my struggles are small blip in comparison to other tragic events. I have been lucky enough in my life that this is the worst that has happened to me. But I know that is not the case with others.
On another note....I had follow up with my Dr yesterday. She is still amazing of course. Official final pathology diagnosis is a blighted ovum. It means a sperm and egg met, and tried to become a baby but only was able to create some pregnancy like tissue. So there wasn't any 'baby' tissue.
We will be able to try again, but I won't lie, I am not entirely happy with the plan. First, she has to confirm that my levels return to 0, via blood work. Yesterday's levels were 8, so it shouldn't be too much longer. Then, I have to wait two FULL cycles. Ugh. That seems so far away!!!!! But I don't have a choice really. My body needs to heal. My emotions need to heal. It's all one big waiting game!!!!
I am going to keep busy though and the time will go fast. First up? A YELLOW birthday party for my big boy! He is going to be 5 and yellow is his favorite color...so it will be a yellow themed party! I am very excited about it...its been quite fun trying to come up with yellow things to put out for food and drink! And the invites are asking that you wear yellow! SO fun! And a bright spot after all of this dreariness! I am looking forward to it. And I'll post some pics after the party next month!
I never want to compare my struggle to yours, or vice versa. It should never be a competition. And YOUR story is just as important as mine. I had/have many friends, of varying degrees of closeness, that I know have struggled or still struggle with some sort of infertility or loss. Or maybe they are just going through a tough time in other areas of their life. YOUR story matters too.
No, I didn't get any negative comments...but I also want my friends to know that I have probably thought of them (if I knew their story) more than they know. Friends that have had loss and now have their little blessings. Friends that struggled to get their blessing. Friends that recently went through a loss. I still think of them.
I also appreciated that some friends privately shared their story with me. Sharing the pain. Relating. Early pregnancy and Miscarriage are such a private thing and despite the public posting that is facebook these days, so much is still not shared (not that you have too!). Its so hard to know who can relate to you, who has been through it to share your pain with you, who may actually NOT want to know about it.
Anyway, I guess the point of my post today is to say that I just wanted to share my story. I am not trying to say my story is worse than yours or others. I was not trying to get pity. I know that in the grand scheme of things, my struggles are small blip in comparison to other tragic events. I have been lucky enough in my life that this is the worst that has happened to me. But I know that is not the case with others.
On another note....I had follow up with my Dr yesterday. She is still amazing of course. Official final pathology diagnosis is a blighted ovum. It means a sperm and egg met, and tried to become a baby but only was able to create some pregnancy like tissue. So there wasn't any 'baby' tissue.
We will be able to try again, but I won't lie, I am not entirely happy with the plan. First, she has to confirm that my levels return to 0, via blood work. Yesterday's levels were 8, so it shouldn't be too much longer. Then, I have to wait two FULL cycles. Ugh. That seems so far away!!!!! But I don't have a choice really. My body needs to heal. My emotions need to heal. It's all one big waiting game!!!!
I am going to keep busy though and the time will go fast. First up? A YELLOW birthday party for my big boy! He is going to be 5 and yellow is his favorite color...so it will be a yellow themed party! I am very excited about it...its been quite fun trying to come up with yellow things to put out for food and drink! And the invites are asking that you wear yellow! SO fun! And a bright spot after all of this dreariness! I am looking forward to it. And I'll post some pics after the party next month!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
The Worst Roller Coaster Ride Ever
Disclaimer: This post will may have some TMI, medical info and probably sad. Also...its loooooong.
I am not even sure where to begin with this....but the last year has pretty much sucked. Ok really, my life doesn't suck. I have two beautiful, amazingly smart, rambunctious, loving, happy boys. And a husband that (secretly) adores me. {He's not one of those guys that shows emotion, but he takes care of me and does things I wouldn't expect him to do. And never complains. Or tells me I'm failing.} So where did everything go wrong last year?? Let me start with January...
Long before W and I decided to actually have children, we had always talked about three. When I had complications with Charles, we weren't sure we would even have two. Then we had complications with Blake and the timing of his birth was going to be the deciding factor. NICU = no third baby. No NICU = We'd talk. He didn't go in the NICU! Yay! So now it came down to whether my Dr. would ok it and the timing. (W wanted to wait, I wanted them 2 years apart). I talked with my {amazing} doctor and she gave me the green light for the timing I wanted and W reluctantly agreed. The month to start: January 2013, for a fall baby. Charles and Blake were conceived fairly easily so the thought NEVER crossed my mind that we wouldn't get pregnant IN January.
But January came and went...so did February, March, April, May...etc. With each passing month I did more and more research. What can I do to help me get pregnant? I used OPKs (ovulation detectors), took my BBT (basal body temp) to confirm ovulation, tried baby aspirin, CoQ10, Iron, folic acid, mucinex...if it seemed harmless, I tried it. September was the first month I tried Mucinex (I'll spare you the details, but if you want them google mucinex and fertility) and FINALLY at the end of October, a positive pregnancy test!!!!!!!!
I was soooooooooooooo excited! I told everyone right away...coworkers, family, close friends, my hair dresser...anyone I came in contact with knew I was pregnant! {Except facebook..I didn't publicly post it there}.
A couple weeks later, I was on the phone with my sister talking about the pregnancy, and how I had told everyone, but who cares because in our family we didn't have miscarriages. We are 'fertile myrtles' and get pregnant easily and stay pregnant. I may deliver early, but getting pregnant wasn't usually a problem. The next day, a Friday, I woke to bleeding. Heavy. I knew right away what was happening. I called my doctor and she had me come in for labs. I had an ultrasound the following Tuesday and there was no evidence of being pregnant. I had been 6 weeks along.
I was devastated of course...but more so I was at peace. We had tried for so long that I was beginning to think something was wrong and that I couldn't get pregnant again. So despite the miscarriage I was happy that we could get pregnant. I just didn't want to go through the process again. It was stressful for us and our marriage.
The Dr gave us the ok to try again right away...and so we did. My cycle was longer than usual but I did ovulate and was shocked to see, 6 weeks later, ANOTHER positive pregnancy test! I think I was even more excited this time! I just knew this was going to be it. I felt so strongly about it being a good outcome, there wasn't any other possibility in my head. That same day, I called the Dr's office to get in for lab work {per her instructions}, it took some convincing of the nurse...but finally made it in. The lab work was to test for HcG, or Betas, and it tells how the pregnancy is progressing. One number alone doesn't mean much so there is always a repeat two days later. The numbers are supposed to double about every 2 days {store this away, it will be important later}. So I had labs drawn Wednesday and Friday. The results were 6. Both days. Medically, that is barely pregnant. Most Drs consider anything over 5 pregnant, so I was on the edge. So more blood work was ordered for Monday. But I knew...this wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy. Again.
Monday's results were 9. Rising, but still not where they needed to be. The next day, Christmas Eve no less, I started bleeding. But I was expecting it. Again, I was sad, but there was nothing I could do about it. My Dr called (yep the Dr, not the nurse. Love her!) and we talked about it. She said she was diagnosing it as a chemical pregnancy. Basically that means the egg fertilized but didn't implant properly. Most women don't even know they are pregnant with these and just consider their period to be late or their period comes on time. She advised us to wait a month to continue trying, but wanted me to come back in again for labs. I didn't bother following up with these as at this point I just assumed they were 0 after the bleeding. A week later the nurse calls with the results = 12! Weird. Why are my numbers still going up? Albeit slowly. So back again for blood work scheduled for 2 weeks since the last one.
In the meantime, I had already ordered more OPK and HPTs (fyi - amazon is really cheap if you are trying to get pregnant!). They came in the mail while we were on a weekend get-away with family. The night we got back from our little trip, I took another test knowing that I was going in for blood work the next morning. The test was positive...and DARK! Now I am really confused and thinking I didn't miscarry fully and will have to have a D&C. Ugh. So not what I wanted.
Well the numbers were 'high'...719. Now we are getting excited again. but really how did this happen? I'll spare you some of the details, but basically nothing added up with the science of timing of ovulation, fertilization, implantation, the supposed miscarriage, timing of intercourse. It just didn't make sense. So I was medically deemed pregnant, but I had absolutely no idea how far along I was. Dr ordered more lab work for a week later. Results were 2040. Yay...they are going up, but not as fast/high as they should be. So another week...2410. They are still up, but again not as high as they could be. But now we can get an ultrasound to see what is going on.
Ultrasound day was Wednesday January 29. I usually go to these appointments by myself as W has the kids. But this time I made him come with me. I was so nervous. I knew in my head, based on the numbers, that the likelihood of a good outcome was slim. But in my heart I was so hoping that there was a miracle going on and my body just wasn't performing to the books.
The tech first started with a wand on my abdomen, stating that if there was a baby she would measure the baby and we would listen to the HB and I would be on my way to the exam room with the Dr. If she couldn't see anything, she move to a trans-vaginal US. As you've probably already guessed she couldn't see anything abdominally. Sadly there wasn't a baby in there. There was a small spot of fluid (I'm guessing, as she didn't say what things were throughout the procedure), but being that I have had two successful pregnancies with early US, I knew that it wasn't big enough to even say it COULD be something. Devastation is not even the word for I was feeling at that moment. I was borderline hysterical. It was awful. Just awful.
Walking out the US room to the exam, I passed by the Dr. She looked up and smiled at me, and I lost it again. She of course knew right then and all but chased down the tech to get the results. Once in the exam room, we discussed things further and how she wanted to proceed. My amazing doctor {Have I mentioned that before?} wanted to proceed with caution. While we both knew that this wasn't viable and it wasn't likely that I would pass everything on my own, she wasn't ready to schedule a D&C right then and there. First step was to order more blood work and go from there...maybe more ultrasounds, etc. It could be up to two weeks before we had a final determination. I cried and cried some more. Dr. pat my leg and reassured me as best as she could and at the end gave me a hug. I love her. Really, I do.
I stopped at the lab on my way out and by 4:15 that day, Dr already had my results. My numbers were already dropping. So the final diagnosis was made, 'abnormal pregnancy', and a D&C was scheduled for the following Tuesday. It should end there right? Nope, not for me.
Saturday...I get on the treadmill for a workout and afterwards head to the bathroom only to discover that I am bleeding. I immediately call my Dr's office. Of course she is not the Dr on call and the one who answers has NO CLUE what is going on with me and why I needed to get a hold of MY Dr. ASAP. So all I can do is wait for Monday...I was already scheduled for Pre-op with Dr, so they threw in another ultrasound as well. Things looked different, obviously, from Wednesday's ultrasound, but still not quite right. When Dr and I sat down in the exam room, she point blank said "I don't know" what is going on. But we are going ahead with the D&C the next morning so that we can say for certain that I was 'clean' of all pregnancy tissue, etc on that day. The D&C went smooth and was fairly easy for me. It was under general anesthesia and I woke nauseous, but was otherwise pain free. I even went back to work the next day.
So now here we are...I have a follow up with my Dr tomorrow to see what's next. I'm certain she will tell me to wait a full cycle to actively try again. I'm not sure what the ramifications, if any, are of having two successive miscarriages and how it will impact my medical care. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
I still want that third baby...but at some point, we have to draw the line. I don't want to be doing this for 5, or even 2, years. I owe it to my other two to 'get on with life'. And IF we suffer another loss, I know we will be done trying. We hope its meant to be, but if its not, well, I am still very blessed!
I am not even sure where to begin with this....but the last year has pretty much sucked. Ok really, my life doesn't suck. I have two beautiful, amazingly smart, rambunctious, loving, happy boys. And a husband that (secretly) adores me. {He's not one of those guys that shows emotion, but he takes care of me and does things I wouldn't expect him to do. And never complains. Or tells me I'm failing.} So where did everything go wrong last year?? Let me start with January...
Long before W and I decided to actually have children, we had always talked about three. When I had complications with Charles, we weren't sure we would even have two. Then we had complications with Blake and the timing of his birth was going to be the deciding factor. NICU = no third baby. No NICU = We'd talk. He didn't go in the NICU! Yay! So now it came down to whether my Dr. would ok it and the timing. (W wanted to wait, I wanted them 2 years apart). I talked with my {amazing} doctor and she gave me the green light for the timing I wanted and W reluctantly agreed. The month to start: January 2013, for a fall baby. Charles and Blake were conceived fairly easily so the thought NEVER crossed my mind that we wouldn't get pregnant IN January.
But January came and went...so did February, March, April, May...etc. With each passing month I did more and more research. What can I do to help me get pregnant? I used OPKs (ovulation detectors), took my BBT (basal body temp) to confirm ovulation, tried baby aspirin, CoQ10, Iron, folic acid, mucinex...if it seemed harmless, I tried it. September was the first month I tried Mucinex (I'll spare you the details, but if you want them google mucinex and fertility) and FINALLY at the end of October, a positive pregnancy test!!!!!!!!
I was soooooooooooooo excited! I told everyone right away...coworkers, family, close friends, my hair dresser...anyone I came in contact with knew I was pregnant! {Except facebook..I didn't publicly post it there}.
A couple weeks later, I was on the phone with my sister talking about the pregnancy, and how I had told everyone, but who cares because in our family we didn't have miscarriages. We are 'fertile myrtles' and get pregnant easily and stay pregnant. I may deliver early, but getting pregnant wasn't usually a problem. The next day, a Friday, I woke to bleeding. Heavy. I knew right away what was happening. I called my doctor and she had me come in for labs. I had an ultrasound the following Tuesday and there was no evidence of being pregnant. I had been 6 weeks along.
I was devastated of course...but more so I was at peace. We had tried for so long that I was beginning to think something was wrong and that I couldn't get pregnant again. So despite the miscarriage I was happy that we could get pregnant. I just didn't want to go through the process again. It was stressful for us and our marriage.
The Dr gave us the ok to try again right away...and so we did. My cycle was longer than usual but I did ovulate and was shocked to see, 6 weeks later, ANOTHER positive pregnancy test! I think I was even more excited this time! I just knew this was going to be it. I felt so strongly about it being a good outcome, there wasn't any other possibility in my head. That same day, I called the Dr's office to get in for lab work {per her instructions}, it took some convincing of the nurse...but finally made it in. The lab work was to test for HcG, or Betas, and it tells how the pregnancy is progressing. One number alone doesn't mean much so there is always a repeat two days later. The numbers are supposed to double about every 2 days {store this away, it will be important later}. So I had labs drawn Wednesday and Friday. The results were 6. Both days. Medically, that is barely pregnant. Most Drs consider anything over 5 pregnant, so I was on the edge. So more blood work was ordered for Monday. But I knew...this wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy. Again.
Monday's results were 9. Rising, but still not where they needed to be. The next day, Christmas Eve no less, I started bleeding. But I was expecting it. Again, I was sad, but there was nothing I could do about it. My Dr called (yep the Dr, not the nurse. Love her!) and we talked about it. She said she was diagnosing it as a chemical pregnancy. Basically that means the egg fertilized but didn't implant properly. Most women don't even know they are pregnant with these and just consider their period to be late or their period comes on time. She advised us to wait a month to continue trying, but wanted me to come back in again for labs. I didn't bother following up with these as at this point I just assumed they were 0 after the bleeding. A week later the nurse calls with the results = 12! Weird. Why are my numbers still going up? Albeit slowly. So back again for blood work scheduled for 2 weeks since the last one.
In the meantime, I had already ordered more OPK and HPTs (fyi - amazon is really cheap if you are trying to get pregnant!). They came in the mail while we were on a weekend get-away with family. The night we got back from our little trip, I took another test knowing that I was going in for blood work the next morning. The test was positive...and DARK! Now I am really confused and thinking I didn't miscarry fully and will have to have a D&C. Ugh. So not what I wanted.
Well the numbers were 'high'...719. Now we are getting excited again. but really how did this happen? I'll spare you some of the details, but basically nothing added up with the science of timing of ovulation, fertilization, implantation, the supposed miscarriage, timing of intercourse. It just didn't make sense. So I was medically deemed pregnant, but I had absolutely no idea how far along I was. Dr ordered more lab work for a week later. Results were 2040. Yay...they are going up, but not as fast/high as they should be. So another week...2410. They are still up, but again not as high as they could be. But now we can get an ultrasound to see what is going on.
Ultrasound day was Wednesday January 29. I usually go to these appointments by myself as W has the kids. But this time I made him come with me. I was so nervous. I knew in my head, based on the numbers, that the likelihood of a good outcome was slim. But in my heart I was so hoping that there was a miracle going on and my body just wasn't performing to the books.
The tech first started with a wand on my abdomen, stating that if there was a baby she would measure the baby and we would listen to the HB and I would be on my way to the exam room with the Dr. If she couldn't see anything, she move to a trans-vaginal US. As you've probably already guessed she couldn't see anything abdominally. Sadly there wasn't a baby in there. There was a small spot of fluid (I'm guessing, as she didn't say what things were throughout the procedure), but being that I have had two successful pregnancies with early US, I knew that it wasn't big enough to even say it COULD be something. Devastation is not even the word for I was feeling at that moment. I was borderline hysterical. It was awful. Just awful.
Walking out the US room to the exam, I passed by the Dr. She looked up and smiled at me, and I lost it again. She of course knew right then and all but chased down the tech to get the results. Once in the exam room, we discussed things further and how she wanted to proceed. My amazing doctor {Have I mentioned that before?} wanted to proceed with caution. While we both knew that this wasn't viable and it wasn't likely that I would pass everything on my own, she wasn't ready to schedule a D&C right then and there. First step was to order more blood work and go from there...maybe more ultrasounds, etc. It could be up to two weeks before we had a final determination. I cried and cried some more. Dr. pat my leg and reassured me as best as she could and at the end gave me a hug. I love her. Really, I do.
I stopped at the lab on my way out and by 4:15 that day, Dr already had my results. My numbers were already dropping. So the final diagnosis was made, 'abnormal pregnancy', and a D&C was scheduled for the following Tuesday. It should end there right? Nope, not for me.
Saturday...I get on the treadmill for a workout and afterwards head to the bathroom only to discover that I am bleeding. I immediately call my Dr's office. Of course she is not the Dr on call and the one who answers has NO CLUE what is going on with me and why I needed to get a hold of MY Dr. ASAP. So all I can do is wait for Monday...I was already scheduled for Pre-op with Dr, so they threw in another ultrasound as well. Things looked different, obviously, from Wednesday's ultrasound, but still not quite right. When Dr and I sat down in the exam room, she point blank said "I don't know" what is going on. But we are going ahead with the D&C the next morning so that we can say for certain that I was 'clean' of all pregnancy tissue, etc on that day. The D&C went smooth and was fairly easy for me. It was under general anesthesia and I woke nauseous, but was otherwise pain free. I even went back to work the next day.
So now here we are...I have a follow up with my Dr tomorrow to see what's next. I'm certain she will tell me to wait a full cycle to actively try again. I'm not sure what the ramifications, if any, are of having two successive miscarriages and how it will impact my medical care. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
I still want that third baby...but at some point, we have to draw the line. I don't want to be doing this for 5, or even 2, years. I owe it to my other two to 'get on with life'. And IF we suffer another loss, I know we will be done trying. We hope its meant to be, but if its not, well, I am still very blessed!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
A new year...
I have been horrible about keeping up on the blog. I just don't know what to write anymore.. We really lead a very mundane/normal/everyday life. Who wants to read that!?!? But here goes a little update...
I picked up a new little hobby...Cookie decorating. A friend posted pictures of halloween cookies that looked fabulous and after asking her how she did it, I tried Christmas cookies. And LOVED it! Here are a few samples:
I picked up a new little hobby...Cookie decorating. A friend posted pictures of halloween cookies that looked fabulous and after asking her how she did it, I tried Christmas cookies. And LOVED it! Here are a few samples:
The kids had a good Christmas. Charles was super excited. I had many conversations with him about waht he wanted rfom Santa and it was always a 'present'. Didn't seem to matter what was in the present! Blake didn't quite get it, but he sure did enjoy unwrapping presents! Even some that were not his own!
Here is a pic of Chasrles on Christmas morning. Love this one of him!
And here is Blake being silly! I love this crooked/devilish grin of his! And boy is he a determined little kid! NOTHING is safe in our house anymore. He moves the dining room chairs around to get what he wants. Anfd don't try to stop him, he gets MAD!! He does really good htough if I or W play with him in the toy room. He needa lot of redirection if we are not focused on him.
W is super excited that we have finally started his man-cave in the basement! He won some of his fantasy leagues during football and is finally able to throw some walls up. We have framing and the start of some rooms. I think it is going to be great when its done! There will be one large living room, two bedrooms, a large office/project room and a full bathroom. We might just start living down there!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
My poor poor baby...
He is riddled with second baby syndrome!! Poor thing had a birthday over TWO weeks ago and I STILL haven't posted about it!!!
So yes..my sweet little Blakey turned 1!!!!! We had a small but very HOT party for him on his actual birthday on Sunday July 1. I sadly didn't take too many pictures...but he had a good time playing in the baby pools we had set up. He didn't want his cake though and started reaching to get out just about as soon as I put it front of him. I did a construction theme for him which turned out really cute! As part of the theme I put "Dirt Cake" (pudding and crushed graham crackers) in a dump truck. So cute! We were also pleasantly surprised by the attendance of an old but great friend of mine and her little girls. They seemed to have a lot of fun too. It was great to catch up with her and meet her babies.
So what is he up to now!?!? Oh my oh my he is so so naughty!! He is into everything!! And I do mean EVERYTHING!! He is walking like a pro and just about running. He likes to be chased and puts his arms straight in front of himself when he runs away..hilarious! He has a love for the garbage can and his dirty diapers (don't ask, I don't know!). He also likes to put anything he can in his mouth. He knows he is not supposed to as he will show me he has something in his mouth and then giggle and run away!! So hard not to laugh at him! He loves his brother and also loves tormenting him...he will take something of Charles', giggle, and run away! Charles' falls for it every.single.time! Sadly, he still gets up 1-2x a night. The last couple nights I have thrown a bottle of water in his crib to see if all he wants is a drink, but he still gets up. Maybe one day he will sleep through the night.
He had his 1yr appointment ans is weighing in at 23lbs 6 oz and 30 in. Compared to Charles, they are identical in height and weight at 1 year!
I will try to add some pictures tonight if I can get on the computer!
So yes..my sweet little Blakey turned 1!!!!! We had a small but very HOT party for him on his actual birthday on Sunday July 1. I sadly didn't take too many pictures...but he had a good time playing in the baby pools we had set up. He didn't want his cake though and started reaching to get out just about as soon as I put it front of him. I did a construction theme for him which turned out really cute! As part of the theme I put "Dirt Cake" (pudding and crushed graham crackers) in a dump truck. So cute! We were also pleasantly surprised by the attendance of an old but great friend of mine and her little girls. They seemed to have a lot of fun too. It was great to catch up with her and meet her babies.
So what is he up to now!?!? Oh my oh my he is so so naughty!! He is into everything!! And I do mean EVERYTHING!! He is walking like a pro and just about running. He likes to be chased and puts his arms straight in front of himself when he runs away..hilarious! He has a love for the garbage can and his dirty diapers (don't ask, I don't know!). He also likes to put anything he can in his mouth. He knows he is not supposed to as he will show me he has something in his mouth and then giggle and run away!! So hard not to laugh at him! He loves his brother and also loves tormenting him...he will take something of Charles', giggle, and run away! Charles' falls for it every.single.time! Sadly, he still gets up 1-2x a night. The last couple nights I have thrown a bottle of water in his crib to see if all he wants is a drink, but he still gets up. Maybe one day he will sleep through the night.
He had his 1yr appointment ans is weighing in at 23lbs 6 oz and 30 in. Compared to Charles, they are identical in height and weight at 1 year!
I will try to add some pictures tonight if I can get on the computer!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Goal #1: ACHIEVED!!!
Not sure how I did it (you know, because I LOOOOVVVEEE food) but as of today I am calling it official that I have met my #1 weight loss goal!! I am not going to tell you my weight but I will tell you that I have lost 12.3lbs since January 20. I have changed my eating habits and trained for and ran a half marathon in that time, but I don't think it was enough to warrant a 12lb weight loss...I think this new medication I am on (for a different issue) is contributing as much of the loss occurred after I started taking it. I am not complaining AT ALL!! I am hoping to lose another 5lbs but am happy where I am at now.
In other news...Charles has for some reason decided that he HATES baths now. He used to love them and would stay in there for an hour if we let him, but now...He is screaming at the mere mention of having to take a bath. And I mean all out melt down, uncontrollable sobbing complete with snot, a red face and saying he would rather go to bed. I can think of a few contributing factors: 1) He doesn't like to involuntarily share space with his brother (sad, I know), and well, Blake doesn't like to sit still. So to be confined to the bath tub where he cant get away is traumatizing to him. 2) He detests having water in his face and each time we wash and rinse his hair, he gets water in his face. I have tried to have him "Look at the sky" but he puts his head down as soon as I start to put water on his head. It wasn't always so bad. It started out as just crying during hair washing and progressed to what it is now over the last week. We are going to try some things to see if we can get him back on track...separate baths, more "looking at the sky", letting him do it himself, and more importantly talking to him about why the bath is scary. He doesn't have a good answer to that (I mean, he is only 3!) and if you suggest something like Blake or an owie, he will agree and make up some story that I don't understand.
W went away for the weekend last week...It was just me and the boys for FOUR full days. Yes, I know what you are thinking...I am their mother, people do it all the time, its not a big deal. I know this. But it's not MY routine and well Blake is high maintenance. But we survived! It was actually really great. We had one night of awfulness (see aforementioned bath trauma) but otherwise I think we did ok. The boys survived and were both very happy to see their Dad. Charles was even more ecstatic because the iPad came back! Ha!! W took it with him on the trip to watch movies, listen to music, etc. C asked for it multiple times and was very sad each time i told him that Daddy had it. Soo funny!
Blake..well he is Blake! He (in the most loving mom voice ever) is my punk baby. He wants what he wants and there is no diverting his attention or making him do something else (see aforementioned bath issue). W had to sit on one of floor vents yesterday to keep him from messing with it and he cried the whole time. So sad that he couldn't get it. He is such a momma's boy...I can't so much as walk out of the room without having him scream. Yesterday he actually got up before I left for work and was in the family room with W when I came out to make my lunch and leave. He got mad that I didn't pick him up right away and then when I did he wouldn't let me put him back down so I took him in the kitchen with me...but then when I actually had to leave, meltdown city with the cry that just breaks your heart. I am sure he was fine within 2 minutes of me leaving but it tugs my heart strings every.single.time. He is starting to walk now too!! It's sooo cute. He lets go of the couch more and takes more steps each day. He is way ahead of his brother on that! C didn't walk until 17 months and had zero interest in it. And he has 6 teeth now...two more popped in this week. Blake has also decided that he doesn't like baby food anymore. He wants to eat big people food or at least be able to feed himself. Its a struggle to get enough into him. We still get up multiple times a night most nights....I can't even say its getting better because it is different every night. And most nights bedtime is a nightmare. Wow that's a lot of complaints! I love that kid and when he is not being stubborn he cracks me up! He is always smiling and I have found his ticklish spot and his giggles are the cutest things ever!
In other news...Charles has for some reason decided that he HATES baths now. He used to love them and would stay in there for an hour if we let him, but now...He is screaming at the mere mention of having to take a bath. And I mean all out melt down, uncontrollable sobbing complete with snot, a red face and saying he would rather go to bed. I can think of a few contributing factors: 1) He doesn't like to involuntarily share space with his brother (sad, I know), and well, Blake doesn't like to sit still. So to be confined to the bath tub where he cant get away is traumatizing to him. 2) He detests having water in his face and each time we wash and rinse his hair, he gets water in his face. I have tried to have him "Look at the sky" but he puts his head down as soon as I start to put water on his head. It wasn't always so bad. It started out as just crying during hair washing and progressed to what it is now over the last week. We are going to try some things to see if we can get him back on track...separate baths, more "looking at the sky", letting him do it himself, and more importantly talking to him about why the bath is scary. He doesn't have a good answer to that (I mean, he is only 3!) and if you suggest something like Blake or an owie, he will agree and make up some story that I don't understand.
W went away for the weekend last week...It was just me and the boys for FOUR full days. Yes, I know what you are thinking...I am their mother, people do it all the time, its not a big deal. I know this. But it's not MY routine and well Blake is high maintenance. But we survived! It was actually really great. We had one night of awfulness (see aforementioned bath trauma) but otherwise I think we did ok. The boys survived and were both very happy to see their Dad. Charles was even more ecstatic because the iPad came back! Ha!! W took it with him on the trip to watch movies, listen to music, etc. C asked for it multiple times and was very sad each time i told him that Daddy had it. Soo funny!
Blake..well he is Blake! He (in the most loving mom voice ever) is my punk baby. He wants what he wants and there is no diverting his attention or making him do something else (see aforementioned bath issue). W had to sit on one of floor vents yesterday to keep him from messing with it and he cried the whole time. So sad that he couldn't get it. He is such a momma's boy...I can't so much as walk out of the room without having him scream. Yesterday he actually got up before I left for work and was in the family room with W when I came out to make my lunch and leave. He got mad that I didn't pick him up right away and then when I did he wouldn't let me put him back down so I took him in the kitchen with me...but then when I actually had to leave, meltdown city with the cry that just breaks your heart. I am sure he was fine within 2 minutes of me leaving but it tugs my heart strings every.single.time. He is starting to walk now too!! It's sooo cute. He lets go of the couch more and takes more steps each day. He is way ahead of his brother on that! C didn't walk until 17 months and had zero interest in it. And he has 6 teeth now...two more popped in this week. Blake has also decided that he doesn't like baby food anymore. He wants to eat big people food or at least be able to feed himself. Its a struggle to get enough into him. We still get up multiple times a night most nights....I can't even say its getting better because it is different every night. And most nights bedtime is a nightmare. Wow that's a lot of complaints! I love that kid and when he is not being stubborn he cracks me up! He is always smiling and I have found his ticklish spot and his giggles are the cutest things ever!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Shooting myself in the foot
Yikes! How did it get to be the end of April already!?!?!? This year is already going by way way to fast....in a mere two months we will be celebrating our baby's FIRST birthday! Oh my...I just want to keep him little.
I am hoping I didn't shoot myself in the foot..This past Wednesday I had a fairly large cyst removed from my lower back. I didn't think it would be a big deal as it was done under local anesthesia and usually surgeons are able to make smaller incisions than you think they do. BUT mine is bigger than I thought it would be ...close to two inches long. And it is right at my waistband. As in every.single.pair of pants hit it. Despite being covered with a band aid, it is still getting irritated. So I haven't run since Tuesday night. Which in the grand scheme of things probably wouldn't be so bad..except this past weekend was our longest run for training, 11 miles. AND I skipped the week prior (don't ask, I have no good reason). Not a smart move. I am going to try to run tonight for a few miles, but race day is less than 2 weeks away so no more real long training runs. I keep telling myself that this is an endurance run (all trails vs street running) so I don't need to worry about time, but I am still slightly nervous.
Blake is STILL getting up 1-2 times per night. Ugh. I am not sure what we are doing wrong here! And he is eating more during the day. In fact yesterday I know he had two good meals outside of his bottles because I fed him. He is definitely getting better with that too. Although he is ready for big people food. Last weekend we went to DQ and I gave him Charles' grilled cheese since he wasn't eating it and boy was Blake in heaven! He gnawed on that thing forever and even got a few bits with no signs of choking. I then gave him a bite of garlic bread during the week and he loved that too. I have tried some of the third stage food jars and he liked the spaghetti that had chunks, but another one he didn't I think it depends on the size of the chunks. He also likes munching on puffs and the Gerber crunchy sticks. I am trying frozen vegetables steamed really soft and he isn't a big fan just yet.
Charles is doing great!! He has taken ownership of my iPad. And will yell that it is "Charles' turn!" if I go anywhere near him (he thinks I am going to take it...rightfully so!). And when I say it's Mommy's i Pad he says No, it's Charles' iPad. Stinker. He does have his own games, but I tend to find him in mine or W's and with things messed with. Like random requests sent to random people for Drawsomething. Hmph. He also has this thing where he (with W's help of course) has 'ranked' each family member. W is #1, he is #2 (because he was 2years old at the time this started), I am #3 and Blake is #4. And he .does.not.waiver. Ever. I keep trying to convince him that I am #1 to no avail. He will slip up every know and then but in the next sentence he corrects saying Daddy is #1. And he laughs at me when I try to tell him that I am #1.. It's cute.
W is going to Vegas in two weeks for a bachelor party..I will be home with the kids by myself for 3 whole days! Should be interesting..I haven't been alone with them for more than a day. Of course I can handle it...but it will be interesting.
I am hoping I didn't shoot myself in the foot..This past Wednesday I had a fairly large cyst removed from my lower back. I didn't think it would be a big deal as it was done under local anesthesia and usually surgeons are able to make smaller incisions than you think they do. BUT mine is bigger than I thought it would be ...close to two inches long. And it is right at my waistband. As in every.single.pair of pants hit it. Despite being covered with a band aid, it is still getting irritated. So I haven't run since Tuesday night. Which in the grand scheme of things probably wouldn't be so bad..except this past weekend was our longest run for training, 11 miles. AND I skipped the week prior (don't ask, I have no good reason). Not a smart move. I am going to try to run tonight for a few miles, but race day is less than 2 weeks away so no more real long training runs. I keep telling myself that this is an endurance run (all trails vs street running) so I don't need to worry about time, but I am still slightly nervous.
Blake is STILL getting up 1-2 times per night. Ugh. I am not sure what we are doing wrong here! And he is eating more during the day. In fact yesterday I know he had two good meals outside of his bottles because I fed him. He is definitely getting better with that too. Although he is ready for big people food. Last weekend we went to DQ and I gave him Charles' grilled cheese since he wasn't eating it and boy was Blake in heaven! He gnawed on that thing forever and even got a few bits with no signs of choking. I then gave him a bite of garlic bread during the week and he loved that too. I have tried some of the third stage food jars and he liked the spaghetti that had chunks, but another one he didn't I think it depends on the size of the chunks. He also likes munching on puffs and the Gerber crunchy sticks. I am trying frozen vegetables steamed really soft and he isn't a big fan just yet.
Charles is doing great!! He has taken ownership of my iPad. And will yell that it is "Charles' turn!" if I go anywhere near him (he thinks I am going to take it...rightfully so!). And when I say it's Mommy's i Pad he says No, it's Charles' iPad. Stinker. He does have his own games, but I tend to find him in mine or W's and with things messed with. Like random requests sent to random people for Drawsomething. Hmph. He also has this thing where he (with W's help of course) has 'ranked' each family member. W is #1, he is #2 (because he was 2years old at the time this started), I am #3 and Blake is #4. And he .does.not.waiver. Ever. I keep trying to convince him that I am #1 to no avail. He will slip up every know and then but in the next sentence he corrects saying Daddy is #1. And he laughs at me when I try to tell him that I am #1.. It's cute.
W is going to Vegas in two weeks for a bachelor party..I will be home with the kids by myself for 3 whole days! Should be interesting..I haven't been alone with them for more than a day. Of course I can handle it...but it will be interesting.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Sleep training, Weight loss and Running
Progress...Progress...Progress!!!
Sleep training- Had to do it. Little Mister has been waking up 4-5 times a night. Sometimes just to cry, but others he wants to eat. And W would feed him each and every time, because, well, that was the easy route. Give him a bottle and he would go right back to bed. Except... then he started not eating so much during the day so we ended up in a nasty cycle of little food during the day (3-4 ozs 4x a day, plus two solid meals) and lots of eating (upwards of 20ox) at night! One night he took 8ox before going to bed and then was up again a mere 2 hours later. Ugh. There is no way he could have been hungry so I walked with him, rocked him, etc until he went back to sleep. And since then we have been gradually working on less food at night and he is starting to eat more during the day. Last night..up only ONE time!!! Although he did guzzle a 6oz bottle! And even better, he put himself to sleep! He was overly tired, I had fed him and was trying to get him to sleep but he was fighting me. I finally had to just put him down. I walked out of the room to him screaming :( went to the bathroom, put on my pjs, went and checked on Charles...and QUIET. Didn't hear another peep until 2:30. I even had the monitor on in the bedroom which I don't normally do (W takes care of night wakings until he goes to bed so that I can get some sleep so the monitor stays off until he comes to bed). I was surprised that I didn't hear any restless-ness or whines come from him at all. I am hoping that means he is sleeping more soundly and getting good sleep.
Weight loss- Since I started tracking my weight on Jan. 20, I am down 8.4lbs!!!!!!!!!!!! I am 4 lbs away from my goal as of this morning...9 more to my 'ideal' goal. Not sure what happened, but the last couple weeks it just started melting off. I am now down to weighing less than I did when I got pregnant with Charles (even if it is only 1 lb less!). Clothes are starting to fit better and I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I am loving it!! And I am still eating plenty...don't get me started on how many times I had McD's last week...and an unplanned trip to Chipotle (w chips). Yum!
Running- I am truly amazed at the progress I have made in 7 short weeks. I am certain it is all due to the speed work and hills that we run on Tuesdays. I was just telling the ladies that I run with last night how thevery first night I wasn't really sure if I was going to be able to keep up. We started with one lap around a small block and I wasn't sure how I was going to do 3 more miles that night...or 4 that coming Saturday. I was struggling maintaining a 10 minute pace. But I stuck with it. Nearly two weeks ago I went out for a run on the path after work (alone) and as I started running and watching my pace, I realized I was pacing at about 9:15 per mile. In my head I thought there is no way I can sustain this, I need to slow down. My first mile was something like 9:11. Again..slow down. But I didn't. This particular stretch of bike path is a 1 and 3/8 mile loop near my house. I did 3 laps that day and timed the laps (instead of miles) and each one was faster. I couldn't believe it!! Monday night I went out and ran and paced at about 8:45. Amazing! I ran a 5k this past weekend and while it wasn't a PR it was better than my time two years ago for the same race. And that was after a year of running! I have only been back at it for 3 months! So needless to say I am extremely happy with my progress. I can even see it in my legs. They are thinning out a bit and looking more muscular.
An update on the boys...both went to the ped this past week for regular checkups. Blake weighed 21 lbs 6 oz and was 29 in. Compared to Charles at 9 mos was 22lbs and 29in. Charles was 40.5in and 32.8lbs and impressed the Dr with his spelling, shape knowledge, numbers, etc. So smart that kid is!
Sleep training- Had to do it. Little Mister has been waking up 4-5 times a night. Sometimes just to cry, but others he wants to eat. And W would feed him each and every time, because, well, that was the easy route. Give him a bottle and he would go right back to bed. Except... then he started not eating so much during the day so we ended up in a nasty cycle of little food during the day (3-4 ozs 4x a day, plus two solid meals) and lots of eating (upwards of 20ox) at night! One night he took 8ox before going to bed and then was up again a mere 2 hours later. Ugh. There is no way he could have been hungry so I walked with him, rocked him, etc until he went back to sleep. And since then we have been gradually working on less food at night and he is starting to eat more during the day. Last night..up only ONE time!!! Although he did guzzle a 6oz bottle! And even better, he put himself to sleep! He was overly tired, I had fed him and was trying to get him to sleep but he was fighting me. I finally had to just put him down. I walked out of the room to him screaming :( went to the bathroom, put on my pjs, went and checked on Charles...and QUIET. Didn't hear another peep until 2:30. I even had the monitor on in the bedroom which I don't normally do (W takes care of night wakings until he goes to bed so that I can get some sleep so the monitor stays off until he comes to bed). I was surprised that I didn't hear any restless-ness or whines come from him at all. I am hoping that means he is sleeping more soundly and getting good sleep.
Weight loss- Since I started tracking my weight on Jan. 20, I am down 8.4lbs!!!!!!!!!!!! I am 4 lbs away from my goal as of this morning...9 more to my 'ideal' goal. Not sure what happened, but the last couple weeks it just started melting off. I am now down to weighing less than I did when I got pregnant with Charles (even if it is only 1 lb less!). Clothes are starting to fit better and I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I am loving it!! And I am still eating plenty...don't get me started on how many times I had McD's last week...and an unplanned trip to Chipotle (w chips). Yum!
Running- I am truly amazed at the progress I have made in 7 short weeks. I am certain it is all due to the speed work and hills that we run on Tuesdays. I was just telling the ladies that I run with last night how thevery first night I wasn't really sure if I was going to be able to keep up. We started with one lap around a small block and I wasn't sure how I was going to do 3 more miles that night...or 4 that coming Saturday. I was struggling maintaining a 10 minute pace. But I stuck with it. Nearly two weeks ago I went out for a run on the path after work (alone) and as I started running and watching my pace, I realized I was pacing at about 9:15 per mile. In my head I thought there is no way I can sustain this, I need to slow down. My first mile was something like 9:11. Again..slow down. But I didn't. This particular stretch of bike path is a 1 and 3/8 mile loop near my house. I did 3 laps that day and timed the laps (instead of miles) and each one was faster. I couldn't believe it!! Monday night I went out and ran and paced at about 8:45. Amazing! I ran a 5k this past weekend and while it wasn't a PR it was better than my time two years ago for the same race. And that was after a year of running! I have only been back at it for 3 months! So needless to say I am extremely happy with my progress. I can even see it in my legs. They are thinning out a bit and looking more muscular.
An update on the boys...both went to the ped this past week for regular checkups. Blake weighed 21 lbs 6 oz and was 29 in. Compared to Charles at 9 mos was 22lbs and 29in. Charles was 40.5in and 32.8lbs and impressed the Dr with his spelling, shape knowledge, numbers, etc. So smart that kid is!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
In the blink of an eye..
He's THREE!! Yep, my little (big) boy is turning three tomorrow! I won't be home (sad, I know) so I am posting today...
We celebrated this past Sunday with our family. It was a great party! It was nice outside so all the kids went out to play..probably the highlight for Charles as he LOVES being outside!
Here he is opening some presents. Most of his gifts were in gift bags instead of wrapped and he didn't know what to do with that...it was sooo funny! He would pull out a piece of tissue paper and then rip it to shreds instead of looking in the bag for his gift! He made out pretty good...and our family fed into his letter addiction with alphabet toys and such. He also got a few more MobiGo games and has been playing non stop since Sunday night! (yay, I get my iPad back!)
Here he is being shy when we were singing Happy Birthday (just like his momma..I can still remember the time I went out to dinner on my birthday and my friend told the waitress it was my birthday. I turned so red..my friends thought it was funny!)
We celebrated this past Sunday with our family. It was a great party! It was nice outside so all the kids went out to play..probably the highlight for Charles as he LOVES being outside!
Here he is opening some presents. Most of his gifts were in gift bags instead of wrapped and he didn't know what to do with that...it was sooo funny! He would pull out a piece of tissue paper and then rip it to shreds instead of looking in the bag for his gift! He made out pretty good...and our family fed into his letter addiction with alphabet toys and such. He also got a few more MobiGo games and has been playing non stop since Sunday night! (yay, I get my iPad back!)
Here he is being shy when we were singing Happy Birthday (just like his momma..I can still remember the time I went out to dinner on my birthday and my friend told the waitress it was my birthday. I turned so red..my friends thought it was funny!)
And here he is with the cake he helped me make:
I didn't get a good picture, but it is green and blue on the inside. I went with a (minimal) Super Why theme so everything was green and blue for Whyatt. I put cut out pictures of the characters on scrapbook paper and hung them on the walls and we had green and blue balloons/plates/forks etc. The red latter 'C' is supposed to replicate the letters in the stories that go in the 'Super duper computer'.
I didn't get a good picture, but it is green and blue on the inside. I went with a (minimal) Super Why theme so everything was green and blue for Whyatt. I put cut out pictures of the characters on scrapbook paper and hung them on the walls and we had green and blue balloons/plates/forks etc. The red latter 'C' is supposed to replicate the letters in the stories that go in the 'Super duper computer'.He loved it!!
And here with momma...not looking of course!
Happy Birthday to my sweet boy! You bring us amazement, laughs and joy every single day and I couldn't be more proud to be your mama!!
And here with momma...not looking of course!
Happy Birthday to my sweet boy! You bring us amazement, laughs and joy every single day and I couldn't be more proud to be your mama!!Wednesday, February 29, 2012
It Defines me
So I think everyone has something in their life that 'defines' them. Whether it be an activity (i.e. a runner), an event, a catastrophe, something, anything really. And this is the thing that someone will know about with in a short time of meeting you. It's something you have to share.
I have come to the realization of what defines me. That one thing that I have to share about. I kind of realized this a couple months when I reconnected with an old friend and it was one of the first things I told her. And then again this past week when I started group half-marathon training and have been meeting alot of new people.
So what is it you ask!??! It's my pregnancies. Upon meeting me, you will know within an hour/day/first or second meeting that I went into labor at 27 weeks and that my babies were born early. And the sooner the kids get brought the sooner you will know about this. I am fully aware that I am not the first nor that last that has ever been pregnant or had babies. Nor am I the first, last or only person to ever have complications. But the things that happened, happened to ME. And for ME it was fairly traumatic.
I wish I wasn't but I am envious of those that sail through pregnancies without a care or concern, taking the natural occurrence of pregnancy for granted. I was there at one point...before 27 weeks with Charles. After that..well, pregnancy for me is an emotional roller coaster.
But I do think that I have a greater appreciation for my kids and the miracles that they are. That is NOT to say that the momma who has an easy pregnancy doesn't love her kids or appreciate them...I just have a different level of it. For example, I have an associate that works for me right now. She is pregnant, due in late spring. Nothing is a big deal to her. In fact she is already talking about going on vacation for 5 days in September. I know there is no way I could have done that.
Should I still be this profoundly affected by the things that happened to me? I don't know...I know that I am though. In fact, I actually try to hide it. (It doesn't work). I try to find other things about me that are just as interesting. Like that I am a runner and I have run 3 marathons, I am an accounting manager, I like to read, I have an MBA and a CPA, I like to bake when I have time, but I don't like to cook as much, etc. etc. But it always comes back to my pregnancies, birth stories and resulting prematurity of my boys.
I have come to the realization of what defines me. That one thing that I have to share about. I kind of realized this a couple months when I reconnected with an old friend and it was one of the first things I told her. And then again this past week when I started group half-marathon training and have been meeting alot of new people.
So what is it you ask!??! It's my pregnancies. Upon meeting me, you will know within an hour/day/first or second meeting that I went into labor at 27 weeks and that my babies were born early. And the sooner the kids get brought the sooner you will know about this. I am fully aware that I am not the first nor that last that has ever been pregnant or had babies. Nor am I the first, last or only person to ever have complications. But the things that happened, happened to ME. And for ME it was fairly traumatic.
I wish I wasn't but I am envious of those that sail through pregnancies without a care or concern, taking the natural occurrence of pregnancy for granted. I was there at one point...before 27 weeks with Charles. After that..well, pregnancy for me is an emotional roller coaster.
But I do think that I have a greater appreciation for my kids and the miracles that they are. That is NOT to say that the momma who has an easy pregnancy doesn't love her kids or appreciate them...I just have a different level of it. For example, I have an associate that works for me right now. She is pregnant, due in late spring. Nothing is a big deal to her. In fact she is already talking about going on vacation for 5 days in September. I know there is no way I could have done that.
Should I still be this profoundly affected by the things that happened to me? I don't know...I know that I am though. In fact, I actually try to hide it. (It doesn't work). I try to find other things about me that are just as interesting. Like that I am a runner and I have run 3 marathons, I am an accounting manager, I like to read, I have an MBA and a CPA, I like to bake when I have time, but I don't like to cook as much, etc. etc. But it always comes back to my pregnancies, birth stories and resulting prematurity of my boys.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
It has begun
I started (officially) half marathon training last night! I signed up/joined an organized training program that meets on Tuesdays and Saturdays (the rest of the week I am on my own). Our first run last night consisted of a mile out, 3 hill repeats, run some more and then run back for a total of about 30 minutes. Saturdays will be a long rung..this week about 4 miles. I think. This is the first time that I am participating in this group however I have done many others when training for the Chicago marathon. It appears they are following Hal Higdon's training plans and he is the running God.
I tried, and actually did quite well, to hang with the front of our 'pack' after realizing the back was too slow even with my 18 month break from running. There was one point that I thought I was going to die and needed to stop...but I kept going and was able to hold a conversation with the guy running next to me. After it was all said and done, I felt great and can't wait to go back on Saturday. Tonight and tomorrow will be treadmill runs. By myself. Sad.
On other news.... Blake FINALLY cut his bottom two teeth! Charlie had teeth at 6 months so I have been watching his mouth like a hawk since then. He doesn't seem to be a very good teether. Sad. He is still NOT sleeping through the night. W took care of his wakings last night so I *thought* he didn't get up..nope, he was up twice. Three times if you count waking an hour after going to bed. Sigh. I hope someday it will happen. and soon.
Charles is 95% potty trained!! Woo hoo!! He does great during the day peeing in the potty and now even likes to stand. That part has become a game to him. He even wakes up dry 90% of the time. Going #2 is a whole 'nother story. We are still struggling with this...diaper or potty. It makes me sad for him that he is having such a hard time. We started probiotics a week ago. I have not seen any improvement yet but I want to give it a month or two to really get working in his system. If that doesn't work...well, he may just have to continue to tough it out.
I have seen the 140's on the scale the past three days!!! I am hoping they are here to stay and that I can get closer to the 130's. I would not be sad to see the 130's, but that would more than exceed my goal. I started getting serious about my diet and weight loss a month ago and as of today I have lost 3.8 pounds. I have lost all of the pregnancy weight from Blake! 3-ish more pounds and I will be back to my weight from before Charles... I am not sure though that my (old) clothes will fit the same even if I get down to that weight. Pregnancy really messes with the body shape...
I tried, and actually did quite well, to hang with the front of our 'pack' after realizing the back was too slow even with my 18 month break from running. There was one point that I thought I was going to die and needed to stop...but I kept going and was able to hold a conversation with the guy running next to me. After it was all said and done, I felt great and can't wait to go back on Saturday. Tonight and tomorrow will be treadmill runs. By myself. Sad.
On other news.... Blake FINALLY cut his bottom two teeth! Charlie had teeth at 6 months so I have been watching his mouth like a hawk since then. He doesn't seem to be a very good teether. Sad. He is still NOT sleeping through the night. W took care of his wakings last night so I *thought* he didn't get up..nope, he was up twice. Three times if you count waking an hour after going to bed. Sigh. I hope someday it will happen. and soon.
Charles is 95% potty trained!! Woo hoo!! He does great during the day peeing in the potty and now even likes to stand. That part has become a game to him. He even wakes up dry 90% of the time. Going #2 is a whole 'nother story. We are still struggling with this...diaper or potty. It makes me sad for him that he is having such a hard time. We started probiotics a week ago. I have not seen any improvement yet but I want to give it a month or two to really get working in his system. If that doesn't work...well, he may just have to continue to tough it out.
I have seen the 140's on the scale the past three days!!! I am hoping they are here to stay and that I can get closer to the 130's. I would not be sad to see the 130's, but that would more than exceed my goal. I started getting serious about my diet and weight loss a month ago and as of today I have lost 3.8 pounds. I have lost all of the pregnancy weight from Blake! 3-ish more pounds and I will be back to my weight from before Charles... I am not sure though that my (old) clothes will fit the same even if I get down to that weight. Pregnancy really messes with the body shape...
Monday, February 6, 2012
And Just like that...
It's so so so very easy to fall of the weight loss/working out train. And I did it. Already. Two weeks. Damn Super Bowl.
Ok, so it was only for a day...but man was a bad day! But good eating! Yummy food. But oh soo bad. I 'planned' on having some junk yesterday for the game. Because according to W, Super Bowl Sunday is a holiday and you can't have a holiday (or a good football game) with out good food! So I bought some junk..hoping the neighbors would come by...for the game. Let me tell you...It was GOOD going down. But as soon as it was down, I regretted it. Sad.
And the scale showed it this morning. Bye bye 140's. Maybe I will see you next week.
But today...Today will be a good eating day. It's far easier to control my intake at work. I bring my lunch (there isn't anywhere really close to work to conveniently go to eat) and so right there I am limited to what I eat. It works and is great. Today I have yogurt, an orange, salad w/ a boiled egg & light dressing, and a Nature Val.ley Peanut butter thin (those are really really good! and only 90 cals.).
AND...I have every intention of getting on the treadmill tonight. I am signing up for a 1/2 marathon training program that starts 2/21 so I need to do my homework so I am ready for it.
So today, we start again!
Ok, so it was only for a day...but man was a bad day! But good eating! Yummy food. But oh soo bad. I 'planned' on having some junk yesterday for the game. Because according to W, Super Bowl Sunday is a holiday and you can't have a holiday (or a good football game) with out good food! So I bought some junk..hoping the neighbors would come by...for the game. Let me tell you...It was GOOD going down. But as soon as it was down, I regretted it. Sad.
And the scale showed it this morning. Bye bye 140's. Maybe I will see you next week.
But today...Today will be a good eating day. It's far easier to control my intake at work. I bring my lunch (there isn't anywhere really close to work to conveniently go to eat) and so right there I am limited to what I eat. It works and is great. Today I have yogurt, an orange, salad w/ a boiled egg & light dressing, and a Nature Val.ley Peanut butter thin (those are really really good! and only 90 cals.).
AND...I have every intention of getting on the treadmill tonight. I am signing up for a 1/2 marathon training program that starts 2/21 so I need to do my homework so I am ready for it.
So today, we start again!
Friday, February 3, 2012
Heellllooo...
140's!!!!! Yay!! I am now back in the 140's..atleast for today. I mean, I barely broke the surface..but, Yay!!
AND..I haven't worked out since Saturday (boo!). I am not sure why, but I just couldn't find my groove this week. Over tired..cranky kids..lack of sleep..no motivation..you name it, I found any excuse I could to not work out. Good thing it didn't effect my weight loss!
AND..I haven't worked out since Saturday (boo!). I am not sure why, but I just couldn't find my groove this week. Over tired..cranky kids..lack of sleep..no motivation..you name it, I found any excuse I could to not work out. Good thing it didn't effect my weight loss!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Official Friday weigh-in
So after a bit of yo-yo-ing this week, my official weeight loss is a mere 1lb. But do not fear, this is perfectly on track with my goal of one pound per week.
After my last post, I thought for sure I would be looking at 1.5 lbs this week. Tator-tot casserole, no matter how small the serving, will change that for ya! Mmmm I do love some tator tot casserole though..especially taco flavored! Yum!
It would be nice to have 'Biggest Loser' like weght loss, but really I am happy with one pound.
I am getting better with consistent work outs too..Monday Tuesday and THursday of this week so far. I am hoping to get one more in tonight and then heading to the grocery store.
This weekend will be abig test to watching what I eat and still thoroughly enjoying life...lunch with former co-worker friend tomorrow and a birthday party tomorrow night. Have I told you how much I love Mexican food (lunch)? and CAKE!? um, yum! My only saving grace with cake is I don't eat icing. So am I going to eat tomorrow..yes. Am I going to go over my calories. YEP! Oh well. It's only one day...and in the past when I would have gorged myself on chips, I will just exert some self control and thus limit the damage.
After my last post, I thought for sure I would be looking at 1.5 lbs this week. Tator-tot casserole, no matter how small the serving, will change that for ya! Mmmm I do love some tator tot casserole though..especially taco flavored! Yum!
It would be nice to have 'Biggest Loser' like weght loss, but really I am happy with one pound.
I am getting better with consistent work outs too..Monday Tuesday and THursday of this week so far. I am hoping to get one more in tonight and then heading to the grocery store.
This weekend will be abig test to watching what I eat and still thoroughly enjoying life...lunch with former co-worker friend tomorrow and a birthday party tomorrow night. Have I told you how much I love Mexican food (lunch)? and CAKE!? um, yum! My only saving grace with cake is I don't eat icing. So am I going to eat tomorrow..yes. Am I going to go over my calories. YEP! Oh well. It's only one day...and in the past when I would have gorged myself on chips, I will just exert some self control and thus limit the damage.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
I wasn't gonna do it...
I didn't want to be *that* girl...tracking and obsessing...but *sigh*, I am. I am tracking and entering my weight every day. To be fair though, it's only becausse the number keeps going DOWN!! Since Friday, 1.8 lbs. All from watching my calories and a little bit of exercise.
My plan was to input my weight on Mondays and Fridays so as to see REAL results, not just fluctuations due to water or daily food intake. Because we all know that what we eat and drink makes your weight fluctuate a little on a day to day basis. (we all do know that right?)
But alas, here I am entering weight again today. (to loseit.com, not the good ole blog!)
I wonder what my weight will be on Friday? A full week of watching how much I eat...
By the way, yes, I am hungry. Starving actually.
My plan was to input my weight on Mondays and Fridays so as to see REAL results, not just fluctuations due to water or daily food intake. Because we all know that what we eat and drink makes your weight fluctuate a little on a day to day basis. (we all do know that right?)
But alas, here I am entering weight again today. (to loseit.com, not the good ole blog!)
I wonder what my weight will be on Friday? A full week of watching how much I eat...
By the way, yes, I am hungry. Starving actually.
Monday, January 23, 2012
One day at a time
I have a hard time remembering this sometimes... whether it be training for a marathon, regaining my speed and stamina after having a baby, going through pregnancy (and getting pregnant for that matter or watchign the kids grow up. But this time it is about weightloss.
I never really had to diet..in fact I don't really believe in 'diets'. A 'diet' should be a way of life, not a short amount of time that you restrict your eating to certain foods or certain amounts. I believe in moderation and enjoying life. With that said, you could say I am embracing a new 'way of life'. I gained some lbs with those babies and it is just not coming off. And Irealized that something had to change and just can't eat the way I used to!
In total I want to lose 13lbs. My main focus right now is food and my intake. I am using www.loseit.com to track my calories. And that is all that I am tracking. So you could say that I am still eating whatever I want (we had Applebees for dinner on Friday!) but just limiting it and keeping within my calorie budget. The website allows you to enter your starting weight and goal weight and it will then tell you how many calories depending on how fast you want to lose and the day you should achieve your goal. My goal date is April 13. After three days..usually my breaking point because I get hungry!.. I am still on track!! Infact I am already seeing the results I need to see!
As I get more motivated and figure out how to get past hurdles (time, baby, motivation) I am adding in working out: running, Jillian Michaels, Chalean Extreme, Turbo Fire. Every week I say I am "Going to do this" and everyweek I FAIL! But I am getting there. Last week I worked out 3 times. A record for me since having Blake! Sad, I know, considering I used to run 4-5 days a week with no problem. Loseit.com also allows for extra calories for working out..however I won't being eating those. Mostly because I usually work out at night and I would rather not eat the extra calories if I end up not working out that day (because you know I enter everything I am going to eat that day first thing in the morning!)
BUT I have to remember that it is one day at a time. Is it April 13 yet??
I never really had to diet..in fact I don't really believe in 'diets'. A 'diet' should be a way of life, not a short amount of time that you restrict your eating to certain foods or certain amounts. I believe in moderation and enjoying life. With that said, you could say I am embracing a new 'way of life'. I gained some lbs with those babies and it is just not coming off. And Irealized that something had to change and just can't eat the way I used to!
In total I want to lose 13lbs. My main focus right now is food and my intake. I am using www.loseit.com to track my calories. And that is all that I am tracking. So you could say that I am still eating whatever I want (we had Applebees for dinner on Friday!) but just limiting it and keeping within my calorie budget. The website allows you to enter your starting weight and goal weight and it will then tell you how many calories depending on how fast you want to lose and the day you should achieve your goal. My goal date is April 13. After three days..usually my breaking point because I get hungry!.. I am still on track!! Infact I am already seeing the results I need to see!
As I get more motivated and figure out how to get past hurdles (time, baby, motivation) I am adding in working out: running, Jillian Michaels, Chalean Extreme, Turbo Fire. Every week I say I am "Going to do this" and everyweek I FAIL! But I am getting there. Last week I worked out 3 times. A record for me since having Blake! Sad, I know, considering I used to run 4-5 days a week with no problem. Loseit.com also allows for extra calories for working out..however I won't being eating those. Mostly because I usually work out at night and I would rather not eat the extra calories if I end up not working out that day (because you know I enter everything I am going to eat that day first thing in the morning!)
BUT I have to remember that it is one day at a time. Is it April 13 yet??
Friday, January 6, 2012
Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!
...and Six months old! All rolled into one!
This year...Charles finally started to 'get' Santa! It definitely made Christmas alot more fun! He watch a lot of Caillou (yes, sadly, we watch a lot of TV at our house, but to be fair its PBS Sprout!) Christmas special and learned all about Santa. We even took him to see Santa, although once we got up there he wanted nothing to do with it!
Christmas morning he got up like any other day, got me up and then went to play. I let W sleep in and Blake wasn't up yet. So I made coffee, cleaned the kitchen and waited. Charles didn't even try to go into the room with the presents...but when I led him in, he went straight to the tree! He got an easel and it wasn't wrapped so he went right over there to check it out.
Blake finally started to stir so I got him up, fed him and got W up and the fun began!
We rang in the New Year by going out to dinner with our good neighbor friends and then came back to the house to hang out. It was interupted for a little while with Blake waking up with a cold..got him back to sleep for a few hours but then I was up most of the rest of the night with him. He is better now though...phew!
This year...Charles finally started to 'get' Santa! It definitely made Christmas alot more fun! He watch a lot of Caillou (yes, sadly, we watch a lot of TV at our house, but to be fair its PBS Sprout!) Christmas special and learned all about Santa. We even took him to see Santa, although once we got up there he wanted nothing to do with it!
Christmas morning he got up like any other day, got me up and then went to play. I let W sleep in and Blake wasn't up yet. So I made coffee, cleaned the kitchen and waited. Charles didn't even try to go into the room with the presents...but when I led him in, he went straight to the tree! He got an easel and it wasn't wrapped so he went right over there to check it out.
Blake finally started to stir so I got him up, fed him and got W up and the fun began!One of Charlie's big presents was a MobiGo.
He LOVEs it! It took a little while to get used (and somewhat frustrating for W and I as he 'need help mommy') but he has it down now. It comes witha few games on it, you can insert cartridges (like a DS) or download games. W downloaded a game today. It is one where Charles has to fill in the missing letter..then the next level was to spell out the words. He could do every.single.one by the time I got home from work. As I was watching, I asked W, how does he even know this? His response was "wait, that isn't even the most impressive part" {referring to the next level}. Amazing! I knew he would have it down within a month, but less than 2 weeks!!??
He LOVEs it! It took a little while to get used (and somewhat frustrating for W and I as he 'need help mommy') but he has it down now. It comes witha few games on it, you can insert cartridges (like a DS) or download games. W downloaded a game today. It is one where Charles has to fill in the missing letter..then the next level was to spell out the words. He could do every.single.one by the time I got home from work. As I was watching, I asked W, how does he even know this? His response was "wait, that isn't even the most impressive part" {referring to the next level}. Amazing! I knew he would have it down within a month, but less than 2 weeks!!??Blake got his toys too and loves them just as much! In fact there is one he loves so much that he wouldn't go to bed the other night! He just wanted to stay up and play! ;) He hung out on a blanket while Charles opened his gifts and just hung out as a happy, content, little baby!
We rang in the New Year by going out to dinner with our good neighbor friends and then came back to the house to hang out. It was interupted for a little while with Blake waking up with a cold..got him back to sleep for a few hours but then I was up most of the rest of the night with him. He is better now though...phew!SIX MONTHS!! Can you believe it!?!? I feel like I just found out I was pregnant!! So he had his well visit yesterday...18lbs 27 in. He is the same length but a pound lighter than Charles at the same age.
This is what he is up to now:
-Trying to crawl (the Dr told us we are in troooouble!)...he gets up on all fours and has progressed from just rocking to moving either a hand or a leg and lunging forward. He now roams by either this method or rolling all over the family room!
-Eating solids..twice a day 2 TBS of cereal and 1.5-2 TBs of a fruit or a vegetable. he does pretty well. He likes cereal alot better than Charles did (He hated it!) but doesn't love the fruits/veggies as much. Its a sour face for the first few bites with just about every food.
-Sleeps from 8pm to 5/6am, up for a bottle and then back to bed till 8/9am. Naps are sporadic. Every now and then we get a good nap, but mostly he catnaps. We have gone the route of putting him in his crib for eacha nd every nap hoping that it clicks with him one of these days...
I have finally started working out again. W helped (and by helped I mean he did it) me get everything I needed set up in the basement. There is a TV and DVD player for videos and my treadmill has been moved down there as well. I am hoping to keep with it and give my sister a challenge to keep up ;). For the last two nights I have done Week 1 of Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30...so very hard. Thought I was going to die..and sadly its only 20 minutes..hmm.
and lastly ...some pics of the kids...Blake's six month photo shoot!
Friday, December 23, 2011
The post I didn't want to write
No, I am NOT pregnant! I just haven't really wanted to put this 'on paper' because then it would make it real. And there are people that read this that would be majorly concerned...please don't be. And please know that I don't want to (and won't) talk about it in 'Real Life'.
I am almost certain that I have PPD...maybe even a touch of PTSD (from Charles).
I love my children and my husband very very much, but there are a lot of days that I feel so very disconnected. And there are contributing factors:
-W takes care of the babies day in and day out. He does a great job. So great in fact, that I ask him what they need. It completely takes over the 'mommy instinct' a lot of times. There are times that I am more connected, but majority of the time its him.
-Breastfeeding Blake was so very stressful. Lack of sleep, constant need to feed, pumping enough, etc. (Yet, I miss it)
-And he is NOT my zen baby like Charles! He just wants to go go go and see everything! He is so strong, and when he is fighting sleep (always!) he kicks, I have tried using the Moby wrap more and that sometimes helps.
-Difficult pregnancy (x2). We are so very blessed to have 2 VERY healthy boys. But the road to get there wasn't easy..(and I think I want to do it again!) I still, to this very day, can not read my blog from my pregnancy and birth/NICU stay with Charlie or look at pictures without tearing up.
-I don't feel as bonded to Blake..and as a result I try to spend more time with him at home. Which means less time with Charles. I haven't found the balance. And I hope that I don't permanently damage our relationship. I am definitely working on that with him though and making sure I focus on him and just him each day. I feel sooo guilty for all of it.
I know a lot of these thoughts are irrational..but that is what depression does to you. I try to remind myself that everything will work out..and that this is just a phase.
W and I talked about it a few weeks ago. He is 'old school' and thinks depression is just a mindset, but he was/is supportive. I do feel like things are getting better. But there are days that are worse than others. I feel it the most when I can't soothe/comfort/put to sleep Blake. And when he starts kicking etc, it just exacerbates it. I have tried to just put him down when I feel it coming on, but then he screams more and that mommy instinct says I need to pick him up..never ending cycle.
So anyway, I am fine. It will be ok. W is truly a huge support and takes the kids whenever I need him to. After talking I think he is also more in tune as to how I am reacting to the kids and will attempt to diffuse the situation. He is great like that..but it starts my 'mommy guilt' all over again because I feel like I can't handle the situation on my own. They are my children after all...
This to shall pass...but I needed to get it out so that I can move on from it.
I am almost certain that I have PPD...maybe even a touch of PTSD (from Charles).
I love my children and my husband very very much, but there are a lot of days that I feel so very disconnected. And there are contributing factors:
-W takes care of the babies day in and day out. He does a great job. So great in fact, that I ask him what they need. It completely takes over the 'mommy instinct' a lot of times. There are times that I am more connected, but majority of the time its him.
-Breastfeeding Blake was so very stressful. Lack of sleep, constant need to feed, pumping enough, etc. (Yet, I miss it)
-And he is NOT my zen baby like Charles! He just wants to go go go and see everything! He is so strong, and when he is fighting sleep (always!) he kicks, I have tried using the Moby wrap more and that sometimes helps.
-Difficult pregnancy (x2). We are so very blessed to have 2 VERY healthy boys. But the road to get there wasn't easy..(and I think I want to do it again!) I still, to this very day, can not read my blog from my pregnancy and birth/NICU stay with Charlie or look at pictures without tearing up.
-I don't feel as bonded to Blake..and as a result I try to spend more time with him at home. Which means less time with Charles. I haven't found the balance. And I hope that I don't permanently damage our relationship. I am definitely working on that with him though and making sure I focus on him and just him each day. I feel sooo guilty for all of it.
I know a lot of these thoughts are irrational..but that is what depression does to you. I try to remind myself that everything will work out..and that this is just a phase.
W and I talked about it a few weeks ago. He is 'old school' and thinks depression is just a mindset, but he was/is supportive. I do feel like things are getting better. But there are days that are worse than others. I feel it the most when I can't soothe/comfort/put to sleep Blake. And when he starts kicking etc, it just exacerbates it. I have tried to just put him down when I feel it coming on, but then he screams more and that mommy instinct says I need to pick him up..never ending cycle.
So anyway, I am fine. It will be ok. W is truly a huge support and takes the kids whenever I need him to. After talking I think he is also more in tune as to how I am reacting to the kids and will attempt to diffuse the situation. He is great like that..but it starts my 'mommy guilt' all over again because I feel like I can't handle the situation on my own. They are my children after all...
This to shall pass...but I needed to get it out so that I can move on from it.
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