The post I didn't want to write

No, I am NOT pregnant! I just haven't really wanted to put this 'on paper' because then it would make it real. And there are people that read this that would be majorly concerned...please don't be. And please know that I don't want to (and won't) talk about it in 'Real Life'.

I am almost certain that I have PPD...maybe even a touch of PTSD (from Charles).

I love my children and my husband very very much, but there are a lot of days that I feel so very disconnected. And there are contributing factors:
-W takes care of the babies day in and day out. He does a great job. So great in fact, that I ask him what they need. It completely takes over the 'mommy instinct' a lot of times. There are times that I am more connected, but majority of the time its him.

-Breastfeeding Blake was so very stressful. Lack of sleep, constant need to feed, pumping enough, etc. (Yet, I miss it)
-And he is NOT my zen baby like Charles! He just wants to go go go and see everything! He is so strong, and when he is fighting sleep (always!) he kicks, I have tried using the Moby wrap more and that sometimes helps.

-Difficult pregnancy (x2). We are so very blessed to have 2 VERY healthy boys. But the road to get there wasn't easy..(and I think I want to do it again!) I still, to this very day, can not read my blog from my pregnancy and birth/NICU stay with Charlie or look at pictures without tearing up.

-I don't feel as bonded to Blake..and as a result I try to spend more time with him at home. Which means less time with Charles. I haven't found the balance. And I hope that I don't permanently damage our relationship. I am definitely working on that with him though and making sure I focus on him and just him each day. I feel sooo guilty for all of it.

I know a lot of these thoughts are irrational..but that is what depression does to you. I try to remind myself that everything will work out..and that this is just a phase.

W and I talked about it a few weeks ago. He is 'old school' and thinks depression is just a mindset, but he was/is supportive. I do feel like things are getting better. But there are days that are worse than others. I feel it the most when I can't soothe/comfort/put to sleep Blake. And when he starts kicking etc, it just exacerbates it. I have tried to just put him down when I feel it coming on, but then he screams more and that mommy instinct says I need to pick him up..never ending cycle.

So anyway, I am fine. It will be ok. W is truly a huge support and takes the kids whenever I need him to. After talking I think he is also more in tune as to how I am reacting to the kids and will attempt to diffuse the situation. He is great like that..but it starts my 'mommy guilt' all over again because I feel like I can't handle the situation on my own. They are my children after all...

This to shall pass...but I needed to get it out so that I can move on from it.

Yeesh...

It's been awhile!! That means things are going good right?!?! And BUSY! or at least it seems that way, but don't ask what we have been up to because I have NO IDEA!!

I had to take Blake into the doctor this week. He seems to have a bit of a stomach bug that resulted in requiring us to get a stool sample. Uh huh. Yep. Have you ever tried to get a stool sample from a baby!?!? Ha! It involved a few band-aids and a ziploc baggie! Thankfully we got it on the first try. We should find out in a day or so if there is anything to worry about or if it is just a viral bug (that is what we are hoping for anyway). He was weighed and measured as is standard protocol and he is up to 17lbs 12oz and 27in. I'd say he is growing just fine! Nearly 3 pounds in six weeks! Yikes!

He is starting to get more mobile...almost army crawling when he is on the floor! It is soo cute to watch. And he LOVES his exersaucers! He still fights sleep just about every nap, but bedtime he is good. Most nights he gets up once but goes right back to bed. I am hoping that this goes away soon...it seems to keep getting later and later...today it was 6am.

All in all he is doing great and the cutest damn squealer ever!

Charles is hilarious these days! Of course I can never remember what he says but we laugh all the time. W and I got a good laugh a couple weeks back when Charles asked for Broccoli for dinner...no he didn't know what he was asking for, but he insisted that is what he wanted! He cried through the whole thing but wouldn't let me throw it out. Hilarious! This past weekend we took him to see Santa. I got him excited to see Santa but when I asked if he was going to sit on his lap I got a somber "uh-uh". And he sure didn't want to sit on Santa's lap! The pic we got is one of those classic ones with him trying to get away. Blake was good though and just sat there.

Charles continues to amaze us with how smart he is...so many words and his comprehension. Its crazy! But still no potty! I am hoping in the next couple months. At least before he is 3!!!!

Oh and he does not like to be touched by his little brother! Or any other small person for that matter! He actually moved out of pictures and scooched away anytime we moved Blake close to him. But he will , on his own terms of course, give his brother hugs kisses and high fives!

This is not turning into a very good update..I am being very vague! but not on purpose...I just can't remember everything..or think of all I wanted to update with! I am going to have to carve out time every couple nights because I really want to keep things documented. Mostly we are just doing normal day to day things and don't get out much though...

Inconsistent

So it seems that I have already fallen off of the "updating regularly" wagon. I seriously have no idea where my days go or how its been two weeks since I left my old job and have worked a full week at my new job. I can't say that it's heaven yet, but it is closer to home!

The boys are still doing fabulous! Blake had his 4 month well baby visit last week. he weighed in at 15lbs and was 24 3/4 inches! I am so proud to say that was ALL mama's milk!! Yes he is getting some formula now, but he didn't have any until I decided to start weaning...which is still in process. I can't seem to get the boobs to stop making milk! I am down to two pumps a day now and Blake has been getting 3 oz of breastmilk and then 2-4oz of formula depending on how hungry he is at each feeding. Although tonight I think we discovered that he doesn't like it mixed so we will be going to 3 or 4 full bottles of breast milk and then 3 or 4 full bottles of formula (he takes 6 or seven bottles a day). We'll do this until we run out of the liquid gold as I still have about 180 ounces in the freezer yet to use up along with the ounces I can still pump.

Oh and guess what happened when we started giving him bottles at night? Sleeping through the night!!! Yay! I am not 100% sure if he started sleeping through the night because he was getting more food at bed time (I seriously think I had an evening supply issue, if that makes any sense) or if its because he is eating formula and it keeps him fuller longer.. no matter, he sleeps about 10-12 hours just about every night!

I think we are FINALLY making some progress on the potty training with the big boy...Last night after I used the potty, he decided he wanted to sit on it! He wouldn't let me take off his diaper, but he did get up and sit on the potty all by himself...many many times! I cheered him on and then had him flush (which, you know, is fun for a two year old!) Tonight W was able to get him up there after his bath before getting him dressed. No pees yet in the potty, but progress none the less. Maybe by New Years?

Charlie really enjoyed Trick-or-Treating this year too! W walked the neighborhood w/ the neighbor and his kids while I stayed back with Blake and neighbor's wife. W said Charles actually knocked on doors, said trick or treat and even stood there waiting for more! Wish I could have seen it, but oh well, someone has to hand out the candy!

Lately he has become my monkey see monkey do boy...He mimics just about everything! Including the challenge on Survivor. Yep. He sure did immitate the contestants that were gathering amouthful of coconut juice and spitting it in a cup..except Charles didn't have coconut juice, nor was he spitting in a cup. Nice.

These boys make me laugh and smile every.single.day!!

Roy G Biv

10 Things Thursday...

1. Not only does Charles know his alphabet and numbers, he also kows the colors of the (official) rainbow. And will recite them for you if asked. He also likes to carry around the correct color crayons that make up the rainbow...that he managed to find in the box. W showed him the names once and now he knows which is which. Amazing!

2. He colored a rainbow in the carpet today. oh so naughty. But then tried to wipe it up.

3. I have a new JOB!! yay!! It's a promotion in a new company, 15 minutes from home!!! I am so stoked about it..and even happier to be leaving where I am currently at. That is all I am going to say about it...

4. Can I tell you how amazing my husband is?? He takes care of both kids all day long yet still manags to get laundry done, floors cleaned, and dinner cooked most nights. There are some nights that I get the kids when I walk in the door but mostly he continues to help until we all go to bed. He has the patience of a saint. Love him!

5. Coming with ten things every week isn't as easy as I thought it would be!

6. W and I have been trying to foster a brotherly relationship between the two boys. Charlie spent 2 years with our undivided attention and is very independent. He has adapted very well to having a brother. We encourage him to give his brother kisses and 'talk' him...It's so cute to see him walk up to Blake, rub his head and say "hi brudder" I hope they are best friends in a few years!

7. Charlie taught himself how to do a somersault today! I have tried to teach him to no avail, but today he accidently flipped himself over and now does it all the time. It still needs some work, but he has teh concept down now.

8. I had to apply for an individual health insurance plan this week...so easy and very quick. The new company doesn't allow enrollment into their health plan until after 90 days...not a good thing with small children. Fortunately this will work out...

9. Charlie had his first sucker ever this week!

10. Cutest.Kids.Ever!!!!

Photo Update!!

Blake's Baptism picture..I love this one! (somethign about the lighting...)

Daddy makes me laugh!

Cutest.baby.ever!

Like a cat, sleeping in the sun....

His favorite activities, letters & numbers

My Sweet Big Boy!

Big Smiles!

Look Ma, I have a toy!

Hmmm... Another mail carrier in our future???

10 Things Thursday

So I am WAAAAAYYY over due for an update!!! An in an effort to continuously or get on a more regular updating regimen I am starting "10 Things Thursday". Starting TODAY!

1. I am still breastfeeding Blake. After my last post, things really started to fall into place and it got easier. My goal was 6 months of breast feeding but I will be weaning a little bit earlier than that...as in next month. I still don't love it. While I am able to pump enough for him (and occasionally put some in the freezer) during the day, by night time I just feel like he is struggling to get everything he needs/wants for bed time. We nurse at 6/6:30 when I get home and then from 7:45-8:30ish when he goes to bed. It leaves very little time for me to spend with the big boy and is very frustrating for me.

2. I am still NOT working out. It makes me sad some days, but I am still sooooo tired ALL.the.time. Blake is still not sleeping through the night (usually he only gets up once) and I NEED my sleep to function. This also means I haven't lost all of my pregnancy weight...and that makes me even sadder :(

3. My big boy is getting soo big...and Smart!! He knows his letters: upper case, lower case and the phonics of each letter. He has a Leap Frog letter thingy and he is now tracing the letters on the screen. He also knows his numbers and counts to twenty, although fifteen is pronounced five-teen! So cute!

4. We moved Blake into his own room this past weekend. He has been in his crib (in our room) for some time now, but this weekend we move it back to his room. I was hoping it would lead to better sleep for all of us and Blake would start sleeping through the night. No such luck yet. He still gets up at least once between 3 & 4. For me though, it is nice to be able to move freely about my room after he goes to bed.

5. When Blake was born, we began referring to Charlie as the 'big one' and Blake as the 'little one'. One morning Charlie got up before all of us (Blake included) and independently went to play in the family room. When Blake woke me and I realized Charlie was out there I tapped W and told him "the big one is in the family room"; he responded with "The big one is dead" Huh?? Clearly he was not awake yet!! I said, No the big one is alive and well and his response was "and kicking" Still not awake!! The other day when I woke him as I was leaving for work, he told me to have fun shooting a gun. Huh?? My job brings me no where close to using/seeing/touching no less shooting a gun!! And he makes fun of me for saying funny things in my sleep!

6. Charlie LOVES him some chocolate milk. He gets it at night time when we put him to bed. And if you ask him if he wants chocolate milk he usually responds with "choc-at milk nu-nite?" This is horrible. We are breaking the 'good parent' rules of sending a sippy cup to bed with him. Thing is I really think he can go to bed without it. He used to go to bed in his crib without a sippy, but it became a crutch to us to get him to sleep in his big boy bed. Over the last couple weeks, Charlie would occasionally get out of bed around 2ish. Most of the time W gets him and goes to bed with him (C has a queen size bed)..but lately I have intercepted him and put him back to bed with no sippy, by himself. He goes back to sleep just fine. So I really think he could go to bed initially without it. Now I just have to get W on board....

7. Who needs naps?? I DO! I DO! Charlie seems to think he doesn't. This make me very sad..for multiple reasons. The biggest being that I don't always get a nap on the weekends because he is still up. It has been a month now since he has taken regular naps. Needless to say he is VERY tired by the end of the day and bedtime is VERY easy!

8. I really really want to write about some recent pursuits...however I have a self imposed rule about talking about work on the ol' blog. It's not that I don't want to share because I do...and it would be really therapeutic to get my thoughts out, but I just can't do it yet...

9. Ever heard of the 'second child' shortfalls? Yea, poor Blake is already suffering from being the second child! He is over three months and I have yet to get his 3 month pics done (I like to do every three months the first year since they change sooooo much!)...We have taken candids, but not as many and I haven't printed ANY aside from one here and there off my at home printer. I have thought about his baby book, but haven't purchased anything, no less started it. Hopefully I will catch up soon....

10. Check out my Ah-Mazing sister!! The green monster has reared its ugly head a copuple times...but I am SOOOOO proud of her! I am secretly hoping htat continues running so that it can be something we do together :)

Still struggling

I need to keep reminding myself that breast milk is free...because yes, I am still struggling with it! Sunday night Blake nursed a better part of nearly 4 hours! And then was up again 2 short hours later!

I returned to work a week and a half ago and have been pumping during the day...three times during my work day. Its tiring. Not to mention that I can only pump about 12-13oz of the 17-18 he eats while I am gone. Fortunately I have a bit of a stash in the freezer but ultimately that is going to run out (in many weeks!).

Sunday I was at my wits end and was determined that we are done and I am going to wean...Then Sunday night happened. Blake didn't eat well from the source. He got a bottle once over night. I woke up engorged and feeling guilty...feeling that I am depriving him of what he wants: the boob!

I don't know how to give him what he wants and also stay sane. He wants to 'eat' constantly for hours on end. And I know he is not really eating, I have become the human pacifier. I also don't know how to not feel guilty that I am not able to satisfy him and that I just want him off of me for an hour!

I tried something new last night. He nursed around 6pm. I cut him off after 1/2 hour. He wasn't too pleased. He fussed and fussed on and off until 8pm when it was time to start bedtime feeding. But I think with time, he will get used to this new limited eating and will get hungrier and hungrier and will ultimately take a fuller feeding, and last longer between feeds and thereby getting hungrier again...do you see how the cycle goes? Right now I have what they like to call a snacker!

I couldn't bring myself to really start the weaning process, so for now we are going to keep going and again remind myself to take it day by day and that as long as he eats it doesn't matter what he eats!