Heellllooo...

140's!!!!! Yay!! I am now back in the 140's..atleast for today. I mean, I barely broke the surface..but, Yay!!

AND..I haven't worked out since Saturday (boo!). I am not sure why, but I just couldn't find my groove this week. Over tired..cranky kids..lack of sleep..no motivation..you name it, I found any excuse I could to not work out. Good thing it didn't effect my weight loss!

Official Friday weigh-in

So after a bit of yo-yo-ing this week, my official weeight loss is a mere 1lb. But do not fear, this is perfectly on track with my goal of one pound per week.

After my last post, I thought for sure I would be looking at 1.5 lbs this week. Tator-tot casserole, no matter how small the serving, will change that for ya! Mmmm I do love some tator tot casserole though..especially taco flavored! Yum!
It would be nice to have 'Biggest Loser' like weght loss, but really I am happy with one pound.

I am getting better with consistent work outs too..Monday Tuesday and THursday of this week so far. I am hoping to get one more in tonight and then heading to the grocery store.

This weekend will be abig test to watching what I eat and still thoroughly enjoying life...lunch with former co-worker friend tomorrow and a birthday party tomorrow night. Have I told you how much I love Mexican food (lunch)? and CAKE!? um, yum! My only saving grace with cake is I don't eat icing. So am I going to eat tomorrow..yes. Am I going to go over my calories. YEP! Oh well. It's only one day...and in the past when I would have gorged myself on chips, I will just exert some self control and thus limit the damage.

I wasn't gonna do it...

I didn't want to be *that* girl...tracking and obsessing...but *sigh*, I am. I am tracking and entering my weight every day. To be fair though, it's only becausse the number keeps going DOWN!! Since Friday, 1.8 lbs. All from watching my calories and a little bit of exercise.

My plan was to input my weight on Mondays and Fridays so as to see REAL results, not just fluctuations due to water or daily food intake. Because we all know that what we eat and drink makes your weight fluctuate a little on a day to day basis. (we all do know that right?)

But alas, here I am entering weight again today. (to loseit.com, not the good ole blog!)

I wonder what my weight will be on Friday? A full week of watching how much I eat...

By the way, yes, I am hungry. Starving actually.

One day at a time

I have a hard time remembering this sometimes... whether it be training for a marathon, regaining my speed and stamina after having a baby, going through pregnancy (and getting pregnant for that matter or watchign the kids grow up. But this time it is about weightloss.

I never really had to diet..in fact I don't really believe in 'diets'. A 'diet' should be a way of life, not a short amount of time that you restrict your eating to certain foods or certain amounts. I believe in moderation and enjoying life. With that said, you could say I am embracing a new 'way of life'. I gained some lbs with those babies and it is just not coming off. And Irealized that something had to change and just can't eat the way I used to!

In total I want to lose 13lbs. My main focus right now is food and my intake. I am using www.loseit.com to track my calories. And that is all that I am tracking. So you could say that I am still eating whatever I want (we had Applebees for dinner on Friday!) but just limiting it and keeping within my calorie budget. The website allows you to enter your starting weight and goal weight and it will then tell you how many calories depending on how fast you want to lose and the day you should achieve your goal. My goal date is April 13. After three days..usually my breaking point because I get hungry!.. I am still on track!! Infact I am already seeing the results I need to see!

As I get more motivated and figure out how to get past hurdles (time, baby, motivation) I am adding in working out: running, Jillian Michaels, Chalean Extreme, Turbo Fire. Every week I say I am "Going to do this" and everyweek I FAIL! But I am getting there. Last week I worked out 3 times. A record for me since having Blake! Sad, I know, considering I used to run 4-5 days a week with no problem. Loseit.com also allows for extra calories for working out..however I won't being eating those. Mostly because I usually work out at night and I would rather not eat the extra calories if I end up not working out that day (because you know I enter everything I am going to eat that day first thing in the morning!)

BUT I have to remember that it is one day at a time. Is it April 13 yet??

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

...and Six months old! All rolled into one!

This year...Charles finally started to 'get' Santa! It definitely made Christmas alot more fun! He watch a lot of Caillou (yes, sadly, we watch a lot of TV at our house, but to be fair its PBS Sprout!) Christmas special and learned all about Santa. We even took him to see Santa, although once we got up there he wanted nothing to do with it!

Christmas morning he got up like any other day, got me up and then went to play. I let W sleep in and Blake wasn't up yet. So I made coffee, cleaned the kitchen and waited. Charles didn't even try to go into the room with the presents...but when I led him in, he went straight to the tree! He got an easel and it wasn't wrapped so he went right over there to check it out. Blake finally started to stir so I got him up, fed him and got W up and the fun began!

One of Charlie's big presents was a MobiGo. He LOVEs it! It took a little while to get used (and somewhat frustrating for W and I as he 'need help mommy') but he has it down now. It comes witha few games on it, you can insert cartridges (like a DS) or download games. W downloaded a game today. It is one where Charles has to fill in the missing letter..then the next level was to spell out the words. He could do every.single.one by the time I got home from work. As I was watching, I asked W, how does he even know this? His response was "wait, that isn't even the most impressive part" {referring to the next level}. Amazing! I knew he would have it down within a month, but less than 2 weeks!!??

Blake got his toys too and loves them just as much! In fact there is one he loves so much that he wouldn't go to bed the other night! He just wanted to stay up and play! ;) He hung out on a blanket while Charles opened his gifts and just hung out as a happy, content, little baby!

We rang in the New Year by going out to dinner with our good neighbor friends and then came back to the house to hang out. It was interupted for a little while with Blake waking up with a cold..got him back to sleep for a few hours but then I was up most of the rest of the night with him. He is better now though...phew!

SIX MONTHS!! Can you believe it!?!? I feel like I just found out I was pregnant!! So he had his well visit yesterday...18lbs 27 in. He is the same length but a pound lighter than Charles at the same age.

This is what he is up to now:

-Trying to crawl (the Dr told us we are in troooouble!)...he gets up on all fours and has progressed from just rocking to moving either a hand or a leg and lunging forward. He now roams by either this method or rolling all over the family room!

-Eating solids..twice a day 2 TBS of cereal and 1.5-2 TBs of a fruit or a vegetable. he does pretty well. He likes cereal alot better than Charles did (He hated it!) but doesn't love the fruits/veggies as much. Its a sour face for the first few bites with just about every food.

-Sleeps from 8pm to 5/6am, up for a bottle and then back to bed till 8/9am. Naps are sporadic. Every now and then we get a good nap, but mostly he catnaps. We have gone the route of putting him in his crib for eacha nd every nap hoping that it clicks with him one of these days...

I have finally started working out again. W helped (and by helped I mean he did it) me get everything I needed set up in the basement. There is a TV and DVD player for videos and my treadmill has been moved down there as well. I am hoping to keep with it and give my sister a challenge to keep up ;). For the last two nights I have done Week 1 of Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30...so very hard. Thought I was going to die..and sadly its only 20 minutes..hmm.

and lastly ...some pics of the kids...Blake's six month photo shoot!

The post I didn't want to write

No, I am NOT pregnant! I just haven't really wanted to put this 'on paper' because then it would make it real. And there are people that read this that would be majorly concerned...please don't be. And please know that I don't want to (and won't) talk about it in 'Real Life'.

I am almost certain that I have PPD...maybe even a touch of PTSD (from Charles).

I love my children and my husband very very much, but there are a lot of days that I feel so very disconnected. And there are contributing factors:
-W takes care of the babies day in and day out. He does a great job. So great in fact, that I ask him what they need. It completely takes over the 'mommy instinct' a lot of times. There are times that I am more connected, but majority of the time its him.

-Breastfeeding Blake was so very stressful. Lack of sleep, constant need to feed, pumping enough, etc. (Yet, I miss it)
-And he is NOT my zen baby like Charles! He just wants to go go go and see everything! He is so strong, and when he is fighting sleep (always!) he kicks, I have tried using the Moby wrap more and that sometimes helps.

-Difficult pregnancy (x2). We are so very blessed to have 2 VERY healthy boys. But the road to get there wasn't easy..(and I think I want to do it again!) I still, to this very day, can not read my blog from my pregnancy and birth/NICU stay with Charlie or look at pictures without tearing up.

-I don't feel as bonded to Blake..and as a result I try to spend more time with him at home. Which means less time with Charles. I haven't found the balance. And I hope that I don't permanently damage our relationship. I am definitely working on that with him though and making sure I focus on him and just him each day. I feel sooo guilty for all of it.

I know a lot of these thoughts are irrational..but that is what depression does to you. I try to remind myself that everything will work out..and that this is just a phase.

W and I talked about it a few weeks ago. He is 'old school' and thinks depression is just a mindset, but he was/is supportive. I do feel like things are getting better. But there are days that are worse than others. I feel it the most when I can't soothe/comfort/put to sleep Blake. And when he starts kicking etc, it just exacerbates it. I have tried to just put him down when I feel it coming on, but then he screams more and that mommy instinct says I need to pick him up..never ending cycle.

So anyway, I am fine. It will be ok. W is truly a huge support and takes the kids whenever I need him to. After talking I think he is also more in tune as to how I am reacting to the kids and will attempt to diffuse the situation. He is great like that..but it starts my 'mommy guilt' all over again because I feel like I can't handle the situation on my own. They are my children after all...

This to shall pass...but I needed to get it out so that I can move on from it.

Yeesh...

It's been awhile!! That means things are going good right?!?! And BUSY! or at least it seems that way, but don't ask what we have been up to because I have NO IDEA!!

I had to take Blake into the doctor this week. He seems to have a bit of a stomach bug that resulted in requiring us to get a stool sample. Uh huh. Yep. Have you ever tried to get a stool sample from a baby!?!? Ha! It involved a few band-aids and a ziploc baggie! Thankfully we got it on the first try. We should find out in a day or so if there is anything to worry about or if it is just a viral bug (that is what we are hoping for anyway). He was weighed and measured as is standard protocol and he is up to 17lbs 12oz and 27in. I'd say he is growing just fine! Nearly 3 pounds in six weeks! Yikes!

He is starting to get more mobile...almost army crawling when he is on the floor! It is soo cute to watch. And he LOVES his exersaucers! He still fights sleep just about every nap, but bedtime he is good. Most nights he gets up once but goes right back to bed. I am hoping that this goes away soon...it seems to keep getting later and later...today it was 6am.

All in all he is doing great and the cutest damn squealer ever!

Charles is hilarious these days! Of course I can never remember what he says but we laugh all the time. W and I got a good laugh a couple weeks back when Charles asked for Broccoli for dinner...no he didn't know what he was asking for, but he insisted that is what he wanted! He cried through the whole thing but wouldn't let me throw it out. Hilarious! This past weekend we took him to see Santa. I got him excited to see Santa but when I asked if he was going to sit on his lap I got a somber "uh-uh". And he sure didn't want to sit on Santa's lap! The pic we got is one of those classic ones with him trying to get away. Blake was good though and just sat there.

Charles continues to amaze us with how smart he is...so many words and his comprehension. Its crazy! But still no potty! I am hoping in the next couple months. At least before he is 3!!!!

Oh and he does not like to be touched by his little brother! Or any other small person for that matter! He actually moved out of pictures and scooched away anytime we moved Blake close to him. But he will , on his own terms of course, give his brother hugs kisses and high fives!

This is not turning into a very good update..I am being very vague! but not on purpose...I just can't remember everything..or think of all I wanted to update with! I am going to have to carve out time every couple nights because I really want to keep things documented. Mostly we are just doing normal day to day things and don't get out much though...