Thursday, May 26, 2011

Harsh Reality

I always thought I would be one of those Moms that would be able to work until I went into labor. My pregnancy with Charles was picture picture up until the day we went in to labor at 27 weeks. There weren't any signs of the troubles that we then faced. Being my first pregnancy, there was no reason to suspect or check for signs of labor or early delivery. It definitely was not how I wanted things to go. But in the end of course we are fortunate...we have a healthy little boy who is simply amazing.

Prior to even thinking about having another baby, we knew it was not going to be easy street. Dr. M warned us that when Moms have pre-term labor, it is nearly a given that it will happen again...and earlier in the pregnancy. But she had a plan in place for us to help ensure that we would be able to have a somewhat healthy pregnancy and get as close to term as possible.

Let me tell has not been easy! Physically, up until now, it has been ok. Mentally that is a whole other story. In the beginning we were faced with short cervix (that later corrected itself) and I feel like I have been on edge ever since. On the outside and when speaking to most people, I am excited. And I have received a lot of comments to the effect of "this time it seems to be going much better" Sure, it is, in some regard. But we are also doing A LOT of things to help it go better. And those things are taking their toll on me. Others can't see the internal angst I have regarding the safe delivery of baby Blake. And it is hard, if not nearly impossible, to explain how I feel and have felt. I don't really want to be told to think positive, or if so and so did you can do it, etc., etc. You just don't know until you have been there.

My sister yesterday told me she was going on vacation. I asked her where and she then asked if she hadn't already told me (honestly I don't think she did :) but I can't remember) I told her even if she had, I am little self-absorbed right now! Fortunately, she understood. I think she is one of the only ones who hasn't tried to change how I feel about things...just listens. I love her for that. I'm sorry that my stress has affected the relationships (outside of me & W) have suffered... :(

So here we are at 31 weeks and getting closer and closer to delivery. My last day of work is next Friday, June 3. I was/am excited about it. Initially the excitement was just the thought of having time off work and being able to spend some time with Charles. But then I started feeling guilty because I was actually feeling pretty good. I began to question the justification for leaving work early...and then today came. I have {undiagnosed of course} what is probably SPD, a mild case but painful none the less. It hurts to walk, move my legs, turn over in bed, get up from sitting, etc. It has been brewing for awhile but has been manageable. The last two days it has been a constant burn and getting progressively worse. And if I stand for any length of time, my legs swell. And regardless of standing, by the end of the day I am almost always swollen. Today, I had full on 'cankles' by noon. My feet feel as if they are stuffed in my shoes. I just want to cry.

I have been on Pro-Cardia since 23 weeks...I hate the medication. It makes me dizzy, my heart race, and gives me an anxious feeling. It also contributes to my swelling and probably to my irritability too. I lashed out at W the other night...I felt awful. I was nit-picking. But I think sometimes he doesn't fully understand what I am going through. It is his baby too, but it is not his body that wants to give out.

Now I feel justified in leaving early...I need to be relaxing more with my feet up more...and no more dress shoes.

I feel like I can't plan anything..."What if something happens?" is always at the back of my mind...mostly at the front, actually. I registered Charles for a two program of swim lessons. I know he will love it. And then hours after I registered and paid. I questioned my self. The lessons will be during my 34th and 35th week. The risk of delivery goes up every week (normal pregnancy or not) and this becomes a high risk period for me. eesh. But I want to think positive that I will be able to take him.

I feel like a big baby. I should be able to do this. I wanted to do this. I have dear friends who can't or struggle to do this and they would give their left arm to be in my position...and I kind of want to do it again. I should suck it up and deal with it..right? I'm trying. W really has been soooooooo supportive. He takes care of just about everything around the house. And gets me just about everything I need..and he doesn't complain. I Love him.

Sorry this post isn't very positive. It's been a hard week for me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

10 weeks to go!!!

I can hardly believe that Blake will be here in 10 weeks or less!! (hopefully no less!) And things are still going very smooth. Only 6 more 17-P injections, 7 more weeks of procardia (ugh!) and in three weeks I start twice weekly NSTs and bi-weekly growth ultrasounds. Speaking of ultrasounds...last weeks ultrsound was a growth ultrasound...Blake was estimated to weigh 2 lbs 10 oz. It puts him in the 55%ile, so he is pretty average right now. He showed us his toes and 'the goods' again, but he would not cooperate for a face shot though. Such a stinker already.

Last week, an overwhelming sense of calm came over me. I can't really explain it...maybe I was holding my breath waiting to get past 'D-Day'? I don't know..but what I do know is that everything is going to be ok! I am not looking at every twinge or weird feeling and wondering "is something happening?", I know I will be going to work tomorrow (boo!), and I know Blake is going to stay in until he is ready...or until 39 weeks when he gets his eviction notice! All is good!

Here I am at 29 weeks:

The weather finally turned nice around here, and let me tell you Charles is LOVING it!! Here he is outside today with the sand/water table he got for his birthday...

Last night I opened the front door to get some air circulating andhe of course tried to go out. We stopped him and then he said to us "Outside now". He is getting so big and putting more and more words together...yet he still likes to tell me long long stories that I can not decipher!

Tonight is the third night in a row that he has gone to bed by himself in his big boy bed. No more Mommy or Daddy laying with him till he falls asleep. We kind of did it cold turkey too...and we have only had a few tears. Last night was the worst..tonight just a little whine. So proud of him! (I just hope he doesn't end up in my bed at 2 am again...eeesh!)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

12, 5 and 'D-Day'

So which one would you like to start with?!?!?! Oh, my choice? Ok here goes...

'D-Day'- Yesterday was 'D-day'. It actually arrived without much thought or anxiety for me...well except for non pregnancy issues occurring at this time that I can not discuss on the interwebz. Oh, you want me to back up a bit? Wondering what 'D-Day' is? I went into labor with Charles at 27 weeks and 2 days. From the moment we knew we were pregnant, this has been the day that has brought the most anxiety for me...what will happen at 27 weeks? Will we even make it to 27 weeks? What kind of complications will I face this time? So we made it...I am now 27 weeks and 3 days! While we are not out of the woods in terms of delivering a baby that will not spend any time in the NICU, that I have not had any complications so far is reassuring to me. I have cervical checks scheduled on Wednesday at 28 weeks and again at 30 weeks. Hopefully both are great!

12- Blake will be here in LESS than 12 weeks!!!!!! At my last appointment, Dr M said that she will be scheduling my repeat c-section for 39 weeks!! That is July 21. Time is going to fly!! Of course there is always a chance he will come sooner, but we are guaranteed a baby no later than July 21!!!!

5- This one has to do with work... My place of employment is approximately 55 miles from home and at least an hour drive. Weeks ago, Dr M and I had talked about cutting my time down to part time starting at 32 weeks..but this last week she changed her mind and is now thinking of pulling me completely at 30 weeks. We will try to go to 32 though, barring any cervical changes prior to that point. I am relieved to say the least. My job can be very stressful and there are other factors that are keeping my stress level up. I have noticed an increase in my overall blood pressure this last week as well. we get closer to term the more likely something can happen, such as my water breaking, and I DO NOT want to be stuck so far from home if that happens.

So far I am feeling pretty good...getting bigger by the day! Thankfully my weight gain has slowed and I only gained 1 pound in the last 3 weeks. I do have pelvic pain that is pretty common in pregnancy. There is a technical name for it that I don't know, but essentially it feels as if the front of my pelvic bone is being pulled apart. It makes getting out of bed, crossing my legs and general movements alot of fun.

In addition to my cervical check, this week I also have the glucose test for gestational diabetes, and another ultrasound. I can't remember why we are doing the ultrasound but I don't mind getting a little peek at the boy! At 32 weeks, I will have every other week growth ultrasounds.

So that is the latest we are still hanging in and hope it continues to be smooth.