Friday, December 23, 2011

The post I didn't want to write

No, I am NOT pregnant! I just haven't really wanted to put this 'on paper' because then it would make it real. And there are people that read this that would be majorly concerned...please don't be. And please know that I don't want to (and won't) talk about it in 'Real Life'.

I am almost certain that I have PPD...maybe even a touch of PTSD (from Charles).

I love my children and my husband very very much, but there are a lot of days that I feel so very disconnected. And there are contributing factors:
-W takes care of the babies day in and day out. He does a great job. So great in fact, that I ask him what they need. It completely takes over the 'mommy instinct' a lot of times. There are times that I am more connected, but majority of the time its him.

-Breastfeeding Blake was so very stressful. Lack of sleep, constant need to feed, pumping enough, etc. (Yet, I miss it)
-And he is NOT my zen baby like Charles! He just wants to go go go and see everything! He is so strong, and when he is fighting sleep (always!) he kicks, I have tried using the Moby wrap more and that sometimes helps.

-Difficult pregnancy (x2). We are so very blessed to have 2 VERY healthy boys. But the road to get there wasn't easy..(and I think I want to do it again!) I still, to this very day, can not read my blog from my pregnancy and birth/NICU stay with Charlie or look at pictures without tearing up.

-I don't feel as bonded to Blake..and as a result I try to spend more time with him at home. Which means less time with Charles. I haven't found the balance. And I hope that I don't permanently damage our relationship. I am definitely working on that with him though and making sure I focus on him and just him each day. I feel sooo guilty for all of it.

I know a lot of these thoughts are irrational..but that is what depression does to you. I try to remind myself that everything will work out..and that this is just a phase.

W and I talked about it a few weeks ago. He is 'old school' and thinks depression is just a mindset, but he was/is supportive. I do feel like things are getting better. But there are days that are worse than others. I feel it the most when I can't soothe/comfort/put to sleep Blake. And when he starts kicking etc, it just exacerbates it. I have tried to just put him down when I feel it coming on, but then he screams more and that mommy instinct says I need to pick him up..never ending cycle.

So anyway, I am fine. It will be ok. W is truly a huge support and takes the kids whenever I need him to. After talking I think he is also more in tune as to how I am reacting to the kids and will attempt to diffuse the situation. He is great like that..but it starts my 'mommy guilt' all over again because I feel like I can't handle the situation on my own. They are my children after all...

This to shall pass...but I needed to get it out so that I can move on from it.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


It's been awhile!! That means things are going good right?!?! And BUSY! or at least it seems that way, but don't ask what we have been up to because I have NO IDEA!!

I had to take Blake into the doctor this week. He seems to have a bit of a stomach bug that resulted in requiring us to get a stool sample. Uh huh. Yep. Have you ever tried to get a stool sample from a baby!?!? Ha! It involved a few band-aids and a ziploc baggie! Thankfully we got it on the first try. We should find out in a day or so if there is anything to worry about or if it is just a viral bug (that is what we are hoping for anyway). He was weighed and measured as is standard protocol and he is up to 17lbs 12oz and 27in. I'd say he is growing just fine! Nearly 3 pounds in six weeks! Yikes!

He is starting to get more mobile...almost army crawling when he is on the floor! It is soo cute to watch. And he LOVES his exersaucers! He still fights sleep just about every nap, but bedtime he is good. Most nights he gets up once but goes right back to bed. I am hoping that this goes away seems to keep getting later and it was 6am.

All in all he is doing great and the cutest damn squealer ever!

Charles is hilarious these days! Of course I can never remember what he says but we laugh all the time. W and I got a good laugh a couple weeks back when Charles asked for Broccoli for he didn't know what he was asking for, but he insisted that is what he wanted! He cried through the whole thing but wouldn't let me throw it out. Hilarious! This past weekend we took him to see Santa. I got him excited to see Santa but when I asked if he was going to sit on his lap I got a somber "uh-uh". And he sure didn't want to sit on Santa's lap! The pic we got is one of those classic ones with him trying to get away. Blake was good though and just sat there.

Charles continues to amaze us with how smart he many words and his comprehension. Its crazy! But still no potty! I am hoping in the next couple months. At least before he is 3!!!!

Oh and he does not like to be touched by his little brother! Or any other small person for that matter! He actually moved out of pictures and scooched away anytime we moved Blake close to him. But he will , on his own terms of course, give his brother hugs kisses and high fives!

This is not turning into a very good update..I am being very vague! but not on purpose...I just can't remember everything..or think of all I wanted to update with! I am going to have to carve out time every couple nights because I really want to keep things documented. Mostly we are just doing normal day to day things and don't get out much though...

Friday, November 11, 2011


So it seems that I have already fallen off of the "updating regularly" wagon. I seriously have no idea where my days go or how its been two weeks since I left my old job and have worked a full week at my new job. I can't say that it's heaven yet, but it is closer to home!

The boys are still doing fabulous! Blake had his 4 month well baby visit last week. he weighed in at 15lbs and was 24 3/4 inches! I am so proud to say that was ALL mama's milk!! Yes he is getting some formula now, but he didn't have any until I decided to start weaning...which is still in process. I can't seem to get the boobs to stop making milk! I am down to two pumps a day now and Blake has been getting 3 oz of breastmilk and then 2-4oz of formula depending on how hungry he is at each feeding. Although tonight I think we discovered that he doesn't like it mixed so we will be going to 3 or 4 full bottles of breast milk and then 3 or 4 full bottles of formula (he takes 6 or seven bottles a day). We'll do this until we run out of the liquid gold as I still have about 180 ounces in the freezer yet to use up along with the ounces I can still pump.

Oh and guess what happened when we started giving him bottles at night? Sleeping through the night!!! Yay! I am not 100% sure if he started sleeping through the night because he was getting more food at bed time (I seriously think I had an evening supply issue, if that makes any sense) or if its because he is eating formula and it keeps him fuller longer.. no matter, he sleeps about 10-12 hours just about every night!

I think we are FINALLY making some progress on the potty training with the big boy...Last night after I used the potty, he decided he wanted to sit on it! He wouldn't let me take off his diaper, but he did get up and sit on the potty all by himself...many many times! I cheered him on and then had him flush (which, you know, is fun for a two year old!) Tonight W was able to get him up there after his bath before getting him dressed. No pees yet in the potty, but progress none the less. Maybe by New Years?

Charlie really enjoyed Trick-or-Treating this year too! W walked the neighborhood w/ the neighbor and his kids while I stayed back with Blake and neighbor's wife. W said Charles actually knocked on doors, said trick or treat and even stood there waiting for more! Wish I could have seen it, but oh well, someone has to hand out the candy!

Lately he has become my monkey see monkey do boy...He mimics just about everything! Including the challenge on Survivor. Yep. He sure did immitate the contestants that were gathering amouthful of coconut juice and spitting it in a cup..except Charles didn't have coconut juice, nor was he spitting in a cup. Nice.

These boys make me laugh and smile!!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Roy G Biv

10 Things Thursday...

1. Not only does Charles know his alphabet and numbers, he also kows the colors of the (official) rainbow. And will recite them for you if asked. He also likes to carry around the correct color crayons that make up the rainbow...that he managed to find in the box. W showed him the names once and now he knows which is which. Amazing!

2. He colored a rainbow in the carpet today. oh so naughty. But then tried to wipe it up.

3. I have a new JOB!! yay!! It's a promotion in a new company, 15 minutes from home!!! I am so stoked about it..and even happier to be leaving where I am currently at. That is all I am going to say about it...

4. Can I tell you how amazing my husband is?? He takes care of both kids all day long yet still manags to get laundry done, floors cleaned, and dinner cooked most nights. There are some nights that I get the kids when I walk in the door but mostly he continues to help until we all go to bed. He has the patience of a saint. Love him!

5. Coming with ten things every week isn't as easy as I thought it would be!

6. W and I have been trying to foster a brotherly relationship between the two boys. Charlie spent 2 years with our undivided attention and is very independent. He has adapted very well to having a brother. We encourage him to give his brother kisses and 'talk' him...It's so cute to see him walk up to Blake, rub his head and say "hi brudder" I hope they are best friends in a few years!

7. Charlie taught himself how to do a somersault today! I have tried to teach him to no avail, but today he accidently flipped himself over and now does it all the time. It still needs some work, but he has teh concept down now.

8. I had to apply for an individual health insurance plan this easy and very quick. The new company doesn't allow enrollment into their health plan until after 90 days...not a good thing with small children. Fortunately this will work out...

9. Charlie had his first sucker ever this week!

10. Cutest.Kids.Ever!!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Photo Update!!

Blake's Baptism picture..I love this one! (somethign about the lighting...)

Daddy makes me laugh!!

Like a cat, sleeping in the sun....

His favorite activities, letters & numbers

My Sweet Big Boy!

Big Smiles!

Look Ma, I have a toy!

Hmmm... Another mail carrier in our future???

10 Things Thursday

So I am WAAAAAYYY over due for an update!!! An in an effort to continuously or get on a more regular updating regimen I am starting "10 Things Thursday". Starting TODAY!

1. I am still breastfeeding Blake. After my last post, things really started to fall into place and it got easier. My goal was 6 months of breast feeding but I will be weaning a little bit earlier than in next month. I still don't love it. While I am able to pump enough for him (and occasionally put some in the freezer) during the day, by night time I just feel like he is struggling to get everything he needs/wants for bed time. We nurse at 6/6:30 when I get home and then from 7:45-8:30ish when he goes to bed. It leaves very little time for me to spend with the big boy and is very frustrating for me.

2. I am still NOT working out. It makes me sad some days, but I am still sooooo tired ALL.the.time. Blake is still not sleeping through the night (usually he only gets up once) and I NEED my sleep to function. This also means I haven't lost all of my pregnancy weight...and that makes me even sadder :(

3. My big boy is getting soo big...and Smart!! He knows his letters: upper case, lower case and the phonics of each letter. He has a Leap Frog letter thingy and he is now tracing the letters on the screen. He also knows his numbers and counts to twenty, although fifteen is pronounced five-teen! So cute!

4. We moved Blake into his own room this past weekend. He has been in his crib (in our room) for some time now, but this weekend we move it back to his room. I was hoping it would lead to better sleep for all of us and Blake would start sleeping through the night. No such luck yet. He still gets up at least once between 3 & 4. For me though, it is nice to be able to move freely about my room after he goes to bed.

5. When Blake was born, we began referring to Charlie as the 'big one' and Blake as the 'little one'. One morning Charlie got up before all of us (Blake included) and independently went to play in the family room. When Blake woke me and I realized Charlie was out there I tapped W and told him "the big one is in the family room"; he responded with "The big one is dead" Huh?? Clearly he was not awake yet!! I said, No the big one is alive and well and his response was "and kicking" Still not awake!! The other day when I woke him as I was leaving for work, he told me to have fun shooting a gun. Huh?? My job brings me no where close to using/seeing/touching no less shooting a gun!! And he makes fun of me for saying funny things in my sleep!

6. Charlie LOVES him some chocolate milk. He gets it at night time when we put him to bed. And if you ask him if he wants chocolate milk he usually responds with "choc-at milk nu-nite?" This is horrible. We are breaking the 'good parent' rules of sending a sippy cup to bed with him. Thing is I really think he can go to bed without it. He used to go to bed in his crib without a sippy, but it became a crutch to us to get him to sleep in his big boy bed. Over the last couple weeks, Charlie would occasionally get out of bed around 2ish. Most of the time W gets him and goes to bed with him (C has a queen size bed)..but lately I have intercepted him and put him back to bed with no sippy, by himself. He goes back to sleep just fine. So I really think he could go to bed initially without it. Now I just have to get W on board....

7. Who needs naps?? I DO! I DO! Charlie seems to think he doesn't. This make me very sad..for multiple reasons. The biggest being that I don't always get a nap on the weekends because he is still up. It has been a month now since he has taken regular naps. Needless to say he is VERY tired by the end of the day and bedtime is VERY easy!

8. I really really want to write about some recent pursuits...however I have a self imposed rule about talking about work on the ol' blog. It's not that I don't want to share because I do...and it would be really therapeutic to get my thoughts out, but I just can't do it yet...

9. Ever heard of the 'second child' shortfalls? Yea, poor Blake is already suffering from being the second child! He is over three months and I have yet to get his 3 month pics done (I like to do every three months the first year since they change sooooo much!)...We have taken candids, but not as many and I haven't printed ANY aside from one here and there off my at home printer. I have thought about his baby book, but haven't purchased anything, no less started it. Hopefully I will catch up soon....

10. Check out my Ah-Mazing sister!! The green monster has reared its ugly head a copuple times...but I am SOOOOO proud of her! I am secretly hoping htat continues running so that it can be something we do together :)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Still struggling

I need to keep reminding myself that breast milk is free...because yes, I am still struggling with it! Sunday night Blake nursed a better part of nearly 4 hours! And then was up again 2 short hours later!

I returned to work a week and a half ago and have been pumping during the day...three times during my work day. Its tiring. Not to mention that I can only pump about 12-13oz of the 17-18 he eats while I am gone. Fortunately I have a bit of a stash in the freezer but ultimately that is going to run out (in many weeks!).

Sunday I was at my wits end and was determined that we are done and I am going to wean...Then Sunday night happened. Blake didn't eat well from the source. He got a bottle once over night. I woke up engorged and feeling guilty...feeling that I am depriving him of what he wants: the boob!

I don't know how to give him what he wants and also stay sane. He wants to 'eat' constantly for hours on end. And I know he is not really eating, I have become the human pacifier. I also don't know how to not feel guilty that I am not able to satisfy him and that I just want him off of me for an hour!

I tried something new last night. He nursed around 6pm. I cut him off after 1/2 hour. He wasn't too pleased. He fussed and fussed on and off until 8pm when it was time to start bedtime feeding. But I think with time, he will get used to this new limited eating and will get hungrier and hungrier and will ultimately take a fuller feeding, and last longer between feeds and thereby getting hungrier you see how the cycle goes? Right now I have what they like to call a snacker!

I couldn't bring myself to really start the weaning process, so for now we are going to keep going and again remind myself to take it day by day and that as long as he eats it doesn't matter what he eats!

Friday, August 12, 2011


So I'm sitting here writing this post with a baby at the breast...ok not really. I am not that good at it yet and Blake is still pretty little {albeit growing by the minute!}. He is indeed laying on my chest, just not feeding.

Anyway, back to the point...

I am finding that I have a love hate relationship with breastfeeding.

I love that I can physically feed my baby with my body. It's very fascinating that my body produces this 'liquid gold' and it helps my baby grow grow grow. And he is growing the rate of a pound a week!
I love the bond we are creating and the closeness that I (hopefully) will have with him when I return to work and he begins to spend most of his days with his daddy.
I love the convenience in the middle of the night to just latch him on to eat and I don't have to mess with a bottle and I can kind of doze off while he eats.
I love he is getting the most perfect nourishment without chemicals and it is so natural.
I love that its FREE!!!!

But I hate being strapped down by this little being that I love so much when he wants to eat constantly. I feed on when he wants it, he gets it! There have been some evenings that I have nursed him for over two hours off and on (mostly on sometimes off).
I hate not knowing how much he is getting...not that I should be too concerned at this point as he is clearly getting enough by gaining 3.5lbs in5 weeks!! But when he is rooting and acting hungry just minutes after a feeding, it makes me wonder if I am really producing enough. It's hard to shake the fears of the low supply I had with Charles. It would be great to have a see through boob with measurements on it.
I hate the every two hour, hour long feeds. Its taxing. I can't DO anything while he is feeding and he is a sloooooow eater. So by the time he is done, I have an hour to shower or do something quick and then its go time again. And to add pumping in on top of that???
Which brings me to..I HATE pumping. But if I want to continue when I go back to work, I have to do it. This solves the 'how much' dilemma, but then resurfaces the 'am I making enough'. I pump about 2-3 times a day depending on schedule and how much he eats. I can usually tell if he drains everything or if there is some left behind. I also pump at least once overnight so that my awake time is less and W can help me out.

I hit a breaking point when Blake was 4 weeks old. I hadn't slept for more than an hour stretch in nearly four weeks. I found that I was dreading feedings and I didn't want to hold Blake in between. And id I did, I didn't want to do anything to stir him because he might want to eat. I was so ready to quit. Cold turkey. But I felt a quitter. So we made changes. I accepted giving him formula and pumping instead for a few feedings, especially overnight. I stopped pumping after every feeding. And more importantly I changed my attitude.

I had to accept that this is Blake and this is how he eats. If I can nurse him that is great. If I am not feeling it, I can give him a bottle. If he fights with me, a bottle it is. and I am not stressing over it. It doesn't matter what he eats as long as he eats, is healthy and is satisfied. And let me tell you, I am in a much better place. Since I have embraced it, I am actually more willing to nurse and it is rare that he gets a bottle during the day. And very little formula.

I am not sure what will happen when I go back to work, but for now I am setting small goals and will reassess when I meet each goal. The first is to make it till I go back...2 more weeks. Then I will see how pumping goes at work and how much I can get with the pump. If I am successful I hope to make it atleast 6 months...even if I am not able to make 100% of what he needs. Some is better than none.

For now we'll just keep on keeping on!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

One whole month...

Hard to believe that Blake has been here for a whole month already!!!! We love having him here..but I am not going to lie, it has been challenging! This is one of those times that I am glad W does not work and is home all day with us.

Blake is a super sweet baby and in general a very easy baby. But...not as easy as Charles was! Although I have been told that Charles was 'abnormally' easy and Blake is normal!

This time around I am breastfeeding..we tried with Charles, but because he was so early I had to pump and it didn't work out because I didn't produce like I needed to. This time I am able to produce so that part is going well and Blake latches on great too! We got past the part of soreness and pain...but he wants to eat every two hours! Let me explain what that entails: 30-40 min of nursing, 20 minutes of pumping, back to bed for 1 hour and up to do it again!! Yikes! This past Sunday I reached my breaking point, but I DID NOT quit! I sooo wanted to....instead we just made some modifications. I pump at night and W does the feeding from a bottle. Thankfully Blake goes back and forth with no problems!

Charles...well he has actually done really well with the transition. It could be alot worse! So far he just gets whiny and has a quick trigger to cry. He is also very good at ignoring who ever is talking to him! Overall he isn't acting out too much. W is here to wrangle him when I am stuck on the couch all day nursing the baby...

As far as loving his little brother...the first few days, he wouldn't come near me if I hwas holding Blake. But now he will give kisses and lay with him on the floor (supervised of course!). He still isn't really 'aware' of him yet so if Blake is on the floor or even in our arms we really have to watch to make sure he doesn't jump on/step on/squish/hit him. I am hoping that in the coming months as Blake gets more lively he will enjoy him more!

I am recovering excellent from the c-section. 10 days post op and I wasn't taking any more pain meds...woo-hoo!I am still exteremely tired. Not sure if it is still due to the blood loss or the 24 hour nursing or a combination. Either way, I am tired. We are trying to do the above mentioned night time feeding change so that I can get more rest. I only have three more weeks till I go back to work! My time off is going sooo fast even though by the time I go back I will have been off for 12 weeks! I ahd a nice summer of no working!

Back to Blake...he has been growing sooo fast! I go to a Breastfeeding support group that is offered by the hospital every Tuesday. While there I can weigh him, feed him and then weigh again to see how much milk he is getting. Last week he weighed in at 6lbs 15ozs. Today he weighed 7lbs 15ozs. A whole pound in a week!!! No wonder he wants to eat so much!!! He is catching up fast and I have a feeling he will be bigger than his brother.

Here are some pics from the last few weeks:

Charles trying to climb under the bouncy chair (yes the baby was sitting in it), he also likes to sit in the chair and in the swing. He thinks these new 'toys' are great!

Hanging out in his bed!

Looking up to his brother already!

First bath...

Sweet baby!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

36 weeks, 1 day and....

He is HERE!!!

BLAKE WALTER arrived Friday July 1, 2011 at 8:35 am.

Here is the birth story:

After our little stay in L&D at 34 weeks, Dr M decided that she wanted to check me for progress at every appointment...twice a week! Fortunately there wasn't much change despite having frequent but irregular contractions. My cervix was changing about 1/2cm each exam. If I got to 4-5, she was going to deliver. In the meantime, the office went ahead and scheduled my c-section for July 21.

After my appointment on Wed 6/29, where she told me I was 3-4cm, I started getting crampy but was fine by 1 pm and the rest of the day was fine. On Thursday I woke up crampy, ate breakfast and went back to bed. When I woke again I had more than usual mucous discharge that was tinged pink. By bedtime I had consistent clear eggwhite type discharge. At 1 am the discharge started having pink in it and I had timeable contractions. At 4:30am I was finally able to get to sleep but was awoken at 5:30 with a big contraction and my discharge is now red...So then I knew it was time to call the Dr.

We headed to the hospital and arrived around 6:50..Dr M checked me again and I was 4-5cm dilated so they decided to go ahead with my RCS. Blake was born at 8:35 am. Dr then had trouble getting my uterus to contract down and had to do external massage...Weirdest feeling EVER! She also had to give me about 6 shots of multiple medications to help and I was on pitocin for 24hrs afterwards. I also lost alot of blood, but not enough to transfuse.

Blake went to the regular nursery and had to have a little bit of formula for low bloodsugar..they wouldn't let me breastfeed at this point as they were still monitoring my uterus. He later had some fast breathing due to leftover fluid from the c-section but was fine by evening. Saturday night he started showing signs of jaundice and went on the bili blanket..his levels dropped overnight so we thought we were in the clear, but they spiked again on Monday..just hours before we were to go home! He had to go in the isolette for the heavy duty lights. It worked and we were all able to go home on Monday!

We have been home now for a few days and things are going great!! I am still breastfeeding and really enjoying it! And he is doing ok with sleeping...lots during the day, not as much at night. He eats every 2-3 hours and is a slow eater...

Charlie is still a tad unsure about this little creature I brought home, but he is starting to come around. He mostly is indifferent to his little brother.

Here are some pics:

Fresh out...

In the isolette under the lights for jaundice:
Just chillin' with Mom
Going HOME!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

35 Weeks

What can I say, I am a little surprised (yet ecstatic!) that we are at this point!!!! There have been some bumps along the way, though minor in comparison to the road we traveled with Charles.

The biggest bump actually came last week. After going to my usual Wednesday appointment and receiving my next to last 17P injection, I went home to watch our neighbor's little boy and just in general lay around. Charles has been having a hard time going to bed by himself sine I have been home so he and I laid down to take a nap together. I woke a few hours later with the weird feeling of my dream being what was really happening..nothing serious just a weird sensation in my dream that I woke to realize was a contraction. W's friend had stopped by and we chatted for a bit. I sat on the couch the whole time as Charlie was still waking up (Neighbor boy was still sleeping). Once his friend left I told W I was having contractions. I timed them for a little bit and they were anywhere from 2 to 5 minutes apart. They weren't painful just uncomfortable. Although we knew what the Dr would say {Go to Hospital}, we called. Sure enough that's where they wanted us to go. So W quickly got the boys together and another car seat in the car and he drove me over. I didn't think they would admit me..fluids and slow down the contractions and let me go...NOPE. Dr checked me and I was 2cm and 60% effaced. She pulled out all the stops to stop the labor. I received the first of two steroid shots for his lungs and was put on the evil drug magnesium sulfate with a 6g bolus to start. I know this probably means nothing to you but let me tell you it was AWFUL! Contractions finally stopped around 10pm (I think) but then started again at 1 am pretty consistent a little more intense but still not painful. I didn't sleep a wink all night. By morning my back was aching and I felt a little cramping but nothing bad. Dr checked me again and I was 2-3cm and 80% effaced. So now we are all thinking this baby is coming this weekend. They just want to hold off to get the second steroid shot and another 24hrs for it to have any effectiveness. Fortunately contractions stopped again about 4pm and stayed at bay through the next day too. Friday morning Dr moved me over to the high risk unit and lowered my dose of mag. My nurse and I both said see you later in the afternoon because we were sure that I would start contracting again!

Well, I did but not consistently until 1am. What is with 1am??? I laid there just waiting for them to come in and move me...but they didn't. Dr ordered an increase in my mag dose again. Prior to this we were talking about being released on Sunday, but I know that I have to be off the mag for 24 hours before release so I was sure I was staying another day to again wean off of it. But nope...Dr came in and checked me again. I'm still the same, 2-3 cm and 80% so the contractions aren't doing anything which is very GOOD! And she turned off the mag...woo-hoo!! Saturday was fairly uneventful. I contracted on and off but nothing to be concerned about apparently. Sunday morning Dr came in and said let's go home! So I am home still pregnant and on 'bed-rest'.

While neither W or I wanted Blake to be born this early, we prepared ourselves because we thought it was imminent. I communicated this to my Drs as well. And honestly when you are prepared to meet your son, it is really hard to hide disappointment when they tell you "Not today" even though you know it is for the best. I have a feeling my Drs thought I was questioning them...a comment made by Dr H and then a comment by Dr M. But hopefully I cleared that up with Dr M by reiterating that we are happy he is still inside and cooking despite being prepared.

So now we are just playing the wait and see game...waiting for my water to break, contractions to get more painful, more dilation/effacement...anything that shows I am laboring (even silent labor) they will deliver him. (Yesterday I was still 2-3cm and back to 50% effaced and will be checked at every appt) If nothing happens..we are officially scheduled for July 21!!! Knowing that my body doesn't ever do what they think it will, I am 75% sure we will make it to then. So exciting!!

For now we are just going to keep cooking, relaxing and taking it one day at a time. I am still contracting here and there but not regularly or consistently. I get the most a couple hours before my procardia is due (every 6) and in the evenings. Dr wasn't concerned..or if she was, there is not much else they can do...aside from that they don't stop labor after 35 weeks.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Harsh Reality

I always thought I would be one of those Moms that would be able to work until I went into labor. My pregnancy with Charles was picture picture up until the day we went in to labor at 27 weeks. There weren't any signs of the troubles that we then faced. Being my first pregnancy, there was no reason to suspect or check for signs of labor or early delivery. It definitely was not how I wanted things to go. But in the end of course we are fortunate...we have a healthy little boy who is simply amazing.

Prior to even thinking about having another baby, we knew it was not going to be easy street. Dr. M warned us that when Moms have pre-term labor, it is nearly a given that it will happen again...and earlier in the pregnancy. But she had a plan in place for us to help ensure that we would be able to have a somewhat healthy pregnancy and get as close to term as possible.

Let me tell has not been easy! Physically, up until now, it has been ok. Mentally that is a whole other story. In the beginning we were faced with short cervix (that later corrected itself) and I feel like I have been on edge ever since. On the outside and when speaking to most people, I am excited. And I have received a lot of comments to the effect of "this time it seems to be going much better" Sure, it is, in some regard. But we are also doing A LOT of things to help it go better. And those things are taking their toll on me. Others can't see the internal angst I have regarding the safe delivery of baby Blake. And it is hard, if not nearly impossible, to explain how I feel and have felt. I don't really want to be told to think positive, or if so and so did you can do it, etc., etc. You just don't know until you have been there.

My sister yesterday told me she was going on vacation. I asked her where and she then asked if she hadn't already told me (honestly I don't think she did :) but I can't remember) I told her even if she had, I am little self-absorbed right now! Fortunately, she understood. I think she is one of the only ones who hasn't tried to change how I feel about things...just listens. I love her for that. I'm sorry that my stress has affected the relationships (outside of me & W) have suffered... :(

So here we are at 31 weeks and getting closer and closer to delivery. My last day of work is next Friday, June 3. I was/am excited about it. Initially the excitement was just the thought of having time off work and being able to spend some time with Charles. But then I started feeling guilty because I was actually feeling pretty good. I began to question the justification for leaving work early...and then today came. I have {undiagnosed of course} what is probably SPD, a mild case but painful none the less. It hurts to walk, move my legs, turn over in bed, get up from sitting, etc. It has been brewing for awhile but has been manageable. The last two days it has been a constant burn and getting progressively worse. And if I stand for any length of time, my legs swell. And regardless of standing, by the end of the day I am almost always swollen. Today, I had full on 'cankles' by noon. My feet feel as if they are stuffed in my shoes. I just want to cry.

I have been on Pro-Cardia since 23 weeks...I hate the medication. It makes me dizzy, my heart race, and gives me an anxious feeling. It also contributes to my swelling and probably to my irritability too. I lashed out at W the other night...I felt awful. I was nit-picking. But I think sometimes he doesn't fully understand what I am going through. It is his baby too, but it is not his body that wants to give out.

Now I feel justified in leaving early...I need to be relaxing more with my feet up more...and no more dress shoes.

I feel like I can't plan anything..."What if something happens?" is always at the back of my mind...mostly at the front, actually. I registered Charles for a two program of swim lessons. I know he will love it. And then hours after I registered and paid. I questioned my self. The lessons will be during my 34th and 35th week. The risk of delivery goes up every week (normal pregnancy or not) and this becomes a high risk period for me. eesh. But I want to think positive that I will be able to take him.

I feel like a big baby. I should be able to do this. I wanted to do this. I have dear friends who can't or struggle to do this and they would give their left arm to be in my position...and I kind of want to do it again. I should suck it up and deal with it..right? I'm trying. W really has been soooooooo supportive. He takes care of just about everything around the house. And gets me just about everything I need..and he doesn't complain. I Love him.

Sorry this post isn't very positive. It's been a hard week for me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

10 weeks to go!!!

I can hardly believe that Blake will be here in 10 weeks or less!! (hopefully no less!) And things are still going very smooth. Only 6 more 17-P injections, 7 more weeks of procardia (ugh!) and in three weeks I start twice weekly NSTs and bi-weekly growth ultrasounds. Speaking of ultrasounds...last weeks ultrsound was a growth ultrasound...Blake was estimated to weigh 2 lbs 10 oz. It puts him in the 55%ile, so he is pretty average right now. He showed us his toes and 'the goods' again, but he would not cooperate for a face shot though. Such a stinker already.

Last week, an overwhelming sense of calm came over me. I can't really explain it...maybe I was holding my breath waiting to get past 'D-Day'? I don't know..but what I do know is that everything is going to be ok! I am not looking at every twinge or weird feeling and wondering "is something happening?", I know I will be going to work tomorrow (boo!), and I know Blake is going to stay in until he is ready...or until 39 weeks when he gets his eviction notice! All is good!

Here I am at 29 weeks:

The weather finally turned nice around here, and let me tell you Charles is LOVING it!! Here he is outside today with the sand/water table he got for his birthday...

Last night I opened the front door to get some air circulating andhe of course tried to go out. We stopped him and then he said to us "Outside now". He is getting so big and putting more and more words together...yet he still likes to tell me long long stories that I can not decipher!

Tonight is the third night in a row that he has gone to bed by himself in his big boy bed. No more Mommy or Daddy laying with him till he falls asleep. We kind of did it cold turkey too...and we have only had a few tears. Last night was the worst..tonight just a little whine. So proud of him! (I just hope he doesn't end up in my bed at 2 am again...eeesh!)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

12, 5 and 'D-Day'

So which one would you like to start with?!?!?! Oh, my choice? Ok here goes...

'D-Day'- Yesterday was 'D-day'. It actually arrived without much thought or anxiety for me...well except for non pregnancy issues occurring at this time that I can not discuss on the interwebz. Oh, you want me to back up a bit? Wondering what 'D-Day' is? I went into labor with Charles at 27 weeks and 2 days. From the moment we knew we were pregnant, this has been the day that has brought the most anxiety for me...what will happen at 27 weeks? Will we even make it to 27 weeks? What kind of complications will I face this time? So we made it...I am now 27 weeks and 3 days! While we are not out of the woods in terms of delivering a baby that will not spend any time in the NICU, that I have not had any complications so far is reassuring to me. I have cervical checks scheduled on Wednesday at 28 weeks and again at 30 weeks. Hopefully both are great!

12- Blake will be here in LESS than 12 weeks!!!!!! At my last appointment, Dr M said that she will be scheduling my repeat c-section for 39 weeks!! That is July 21. Time is going to fly!! Of course there is always a chance he will come sooner, but we are guaranteed a baby no later than July 21!!!!

5- This one has to do with work... My place of employment is approximately 55 miles from home and at least an hour drive. Weeks ago, Dr M and I had talked about cutting my time down to part time starting at 32 weeks..but this last week she changed her mind and is now thinking of pulling me completely at 30 weeks. We will try to go to 32 though, barring any cervical changes prior to that point. I am relieved to say the least. My job can be very stressful and there are other factors that are keeping my stress level up. I have noticed an increase in my overall blood pressure this last week as well. we get closer to term the more likely something can happen, such as my water breaking, and I DO NOT want to be stuck so far from home if that happens.

So far I am feeling pretty good...getting bigger by the day! Thankfully my weight gain has slowed and I only gained 1 pound in the last 3 weeks. I do have pelvic pain that is pretty common in pregnancy. There is a technical name for it that I don't know, but essentially it feels as if the front of my pelvic bone is being pulled apart. It makes getting out of bed, crossing my legs and general movements alot of fun.

In addition to my cervical check, this week I also have the glucose test for gestational diabetes, and another ultrasound. I can't remember why we are doing the ultrasound but I don't mind getting a little peek at the boy! At 32 weeks, I will have every other week growth ultrasounds.

So that is the latest we are still hanging in and hope it continues to be smooth.

Friday, April 15, 2011

...23, 24, 25 Weeks!!

**Disclaimer: I did add paragraph spacing, however blogger keeps deleting the spaces. Will try to fix from home later tonight** So sorry I missed couple weeks...It was busy time at work and frankly after working three 14 hour days in a row I had no energy to post an update. but wait that only really accounts for one week, right? Ok I am just a slacker! And why the hell am I working 14 hour days while pregnant?? Insane... So, anyway, here we are at 25 weeks {as of yesterday}...per my doctor I am measuring perfectly! My weight...well let's just not talk about that right now and hope that the gaining slows down a tad in the next few weeks. Right now I am on tack to gain 50lbs!!!! Yikes!!! I think I only gained 35-40 with Charles with bedrest and eating to my hearts content... A co-worker says its all in my stomach though..gotta love her despite her 'lies'! I have now received 10 shots of 17-P, was placed on Pro-cardia a few weeks ago, and am still visiting the OB weekly. Next week I get another cervical check and May 4th is my next ultrasound and the dreaded glucose test. Starting June 1 I will be going to the OB twice a week...that should be fun. Dr M is already thinking about placing me on a part-time work schedule at that time as well. As far the baby goes...Blake is doing great. Everyday I feel more and stronger kicks. Last night I was able to watch my entire stomach flop around with his movements. So awesome! His heartrate has been in the 140s at each appt. According to, he should weigh about 1.5lbs, comparable to a rutabaga, and about 13.5 inches long. I sooo can't wait to meet him! And can't have a post without mentioning the Big Boy!! And big he is getting. He is saying more an more words to me everyday and his speech is coming along. This morning he sang "Twinkle twinkle Little Star" to me. It is sooo stinking cute. He did get some playing time out side this past weekend, but it's not looking so good for this weekend. It's going to be cold around here! His latest thing is he loves my sunglasses..and if he sees my purse, he wants them. Smart boy knows where I keep them! So I got him his own (because, you know, I don't want mine broken!) He wears them All.The.Time. Loves them. He has his quirks but man they are cute little quirks! We are stillllll working on the transition to the big boy bed. W or I still have lay with him to go to sleep each night, and that can take anywhere from 30-60 minutes. He is getting better at going to sleep faster though. W tried one night make him stay in bed alone. Holy melt down!! And now if you leave the dark room with him alone, he will either follow immediately or start to cry. I think there is still some fear to be worked out. Once he is asleep, though, he stays until 5 or so. He went a whole week of not getting up until 6 but I don't know what happened to that.... Too bad he is sooo stinking cute he gets away with soo much! Love that boy!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

22 Weeks

I had ultrasound #8 this morning for another cervical length check...happy to report that I am still measuring in the normal range!!

Most of my cervical checks and ultrasounds have been with the MFM group at the hospital and let me tell you they are great!! At the OB's office, if their order is for cervical check, that is all they do. The tech that I have had multiple times at the hospital is really great. After doing my cervical check she put the wand on my belly to check the baby....and she spent 10 minutes trying to get good pictures of his face for us!! Today wasn't our day though...he was folded in half and his toes were literally touching his forehead! It was really cute but not very conducive to a great 3d face shot. The ultrasound was in the morning and I am afraid he is just like his brother was in-utero: sleepy in the morning. There were soo many days that the testing tech had to to buzz Charlie to get him to move around and show activity.

So we are now at 22 weeks. I have gained about 10-13 pounds depending on the day. I really have very little restraint to food while pregnant. If I want it, I have it, without going too far overboard. Baby is 11 inches and nearly a pound. My repeat c-section will most likely be scheduled for 38 or 39 that leaves 16 or 17 more weeks to go! {I say these weeks assuming we go to term as I am not letting myself think of any other scenario right now}

W and I picked out a name shortly after our 16wk ultrasound when we found we were having another boy. He is going to be Blake Walter. I already have his name in wooden block letters up on the wall in his room. That will be the only decorating I do as he is getting Charlie's old room and I happen to like the theme!

I am going to try to post every week or at least every other week. Thursdays are the days we start a new week in the pregnancy so I will mostly post then.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

2 years and 21 Weeks

Charlie turned two years old two days ago!! The last two years have gone by sooooo very fast. I feel like he is growing up so fast and before my very eyes.

At the end of February, we moved him into a new room and his own big bed. We are still working on the transition though...W or I have to lay with him till he falls asleep (yes, we tend to fall asleep with him, especially me!) and he has been coming to our room around 3 or 4 in the morning. He doesn't get to stay though, I take him right back to his bed where he will sleep til 6:30.

His favorite things to do these days are read and watch Caillou. He brings W or I 'a book' all day, and usually it is the same book over and over. He is saying more and more everyday and repeats just about everything. He also knows his {basic} colors (Dr was very impressed at his two year check up!). He received numerous bikes and outside toys for his birthday and he is very anxious to get out there! Yesterday I opened the back door just to fix our rain bucket and he was SO ANGRY that I would not let him outside as well. Soon, baby, soon...

His respiratory issues seem to be under control. We have not had even so much as a sniffle since November...until this week. I came down with a bad cold last week and then he got it on Tuesday. He has a bad ear infection (first in a year) but so far no wheezing or signs of the cold going into his lungs! So as I much as I hate it, the treatment seems to be working or he is out growing it {I am hoping its the latter!}

This pregnancy is going very well so far!! We found out at 16 weeks that we are having another BOY! He is moving around great and measured well at our anatomy scan. I don't think I have let myself accept that we may go to term yet as our problems with Charles didn't start until 27 weeks...6 more weeks to that point. So far I have had countless appointments, 6 17-P injections, 7 ultrasounds...still to go are atleast 14 more shots, a few more ultrasounds and 16 weeks until we are considered "Full term". I will have a repeat c-section somewhere between 38 and 40 weeks if we make it that far.