Friday, December 23, 2011

The post I didn't want to write

No, I am NOT pregnant! I just haven't really wanted to put this 'on paper' because then it would make it real. And there are people that read this that would be majorly concerned...please don't be. And please know that I don't want to (and won't) talk about it in 'Real Life'.

I am almost certain that I have PPD...maybe even a touch of PTSD (from Charles).

I love my children and my husband very very much, but there are a lot of days that I feel so very disconnected. And there are contributing factors:
-W takes care of the babies day in and day out. He does a great job. So great in fact, that I ask him what they need. It completely takes over the 'mommy instinct' a lot of times. There are times that I am more connected, but majority of the time its him.

-Breastfeeding Blake was so very stressful. Lack of sleep, constant need to feed, pumping enough, etc. (Yet, I miss it)
-And he is NOT my zen baby like Charles! He just wants to go go go and see everything! He is so strong, and when he is fighting sleep (always!) he kicks, I have tried using the Moby wrap more and that sometimes helps.

-Difficult pregnancy (x2). We are so very blessed to have 2 VERY healthy boys. But the road to get there wasn't easy..(and I think I want to do it again!) I still, to this very day, can not read my blog from my pregnancy and birth/NICU stay with Charlie or look at pictures without tearing up.

-I don't feel as bonded to Blake..and as a result I try to spend more time with him at home. Which means less time with Charles. I haven't found the balance. And I hope that I don't permanently damage our relationship. I am definitely working on that with him though and making sure I focus on him and just him each day. I feel sooo guilty for all of it.

I know a lot of these thoughts are irrational..but that is what depression does to you. I try to remind myself that everything will work out..and that this is just a phase.

W and I talked about it a few weeks ago. He is 'old school' and thinks depression is just a mindset, but he was/is supportive. I do feel like things are getting better. But there are days that are worse than others. I feel it the most when I can't soothe/comfort/put to sleep Blake. And when he starts kicking etc, it just exacerbates it. I have tried to just put him down when I feel it coming on, but then he screams more and that mommy instinct says I need to pick him up..never ending cycle.

So anyway, I am fine. It will be ok. W is truly a huge support and takes the kids whenever I need him to. After talking I think he is also more in tune as to how I am reacting to the kids and will attempt to diffuse the situation. He is great like that..but it starts my 'mommy guilt' all over again because I feel like I can't handle the situation on my own. They are my children after all...

This to shall pass...but I needed to get it out so that I can move on from it.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


It's been awhile!! That means things are going good right?!?! And BUSY! or at least it seems that way, but don't ask what we have been up to because I have NO IDEA!!

I had to take Blake into the doctor this week. He seems to have a bit of a stomach bug that resulted in requiring us to get a stool sample. Uh huh. Yep. Have you ever tried to get a stool sample from a baby!?!? Ha! It involved a few band-aids and a ziploc baggie! Thankfully we got it on the first try. We should find out in a day or so if there is anything to worry about or if it is just a viral bug (that is what we are hoping for anyway). He was weighed and measured as is standard protocol and he is up to 17lbs 12oz and 27in. I'd say he is growing just fine! Nearly 3 pounds in six weeks! Yikes!

He is starting to get more mobile...almost army crawling when he is on the floor! It is soo cute to watch. And he LOVES his exersaucers! He still fights sleep just about every nap, but bedtime he is good. Most nights he gets up once but goes right back to bed. I am hoping that this goes away seems to keep getting later and it was 6am.

All in all he is doing great and the cutest damn squealer ever!

Charles is hilarious these days! Of course I can never remember what he says but we laugh all the time. W and I got a good laugh a couple weeks back when Charles asked for Broccoli for he didn't know what he was asking for, but he insisted that is what he wanted! He cried through the whole thing but wouldn't let me throw it out. Hilarious! This past weekend we took him to see Santa. I got him excited to see Santa but when I asked if he was going to sit on his lap I got a somber "uh-uh". And he sure didn't want to sit on Santa's lap! The pic we got is one of those classic ones with him trying to get away. Blake was good though and just sat there.

Charles continues to amaze us with how smart he many words and his comprehension. Its crazy! But still no potty! I am hoping in the next couple months. At least before he is 3!!!!

Oh and he does not like to be touched by his little brother! Or any other small person for that matter! He actually moved out of pictures and scooched away anytime we moved Blake close to him. But he will , on his own terms of course, give his brother hugs kisses and high fives!

This is not turning into a very good update..I am being very vague! but not on purpose...I just can't remember everything..or think of all I wanted to update with! I am going to have to carve out time every couple nights because I really want to keep things documented. Mostly we are just doing normal day to day things and don't get out much though...