Friday, August 12, 2011


So I'm sitting here writing this post with a baby at the breast...ok not really. I am not that good at it yet and Blake is still pretty little {albeit growing by the minute!}. He is indeed laying on my chest, just not feeding.

Anyway, back to the point...

I am finding that I have a love hate relationship with breastfeeding.

I love that I can physically feed my baby with my body. It's very fascinating that my body produces this 'liquid gold' and it helps my baby grow grow grow. And he is growing the rate of a pound a week!
I love the bond we are creating and the closeness that I (hopefully) will have with him when I return to work and he begins to spend most of his days with his daddy.
I love the convenience in the middle of the night to just latch him on to eat and I don't have to mess with a bottle and I can kind of doze off while he eats.
I love he is getting the most perfect nourishment without chemicals and it is so natural.
I love that its FREE!!!!

But I hate being strapped down by this little being that I love so much when he wants to eat constantly. I feed on when he wants it, he gets it! There have been some evenings that I have nursed him for over two hours off and on (mostly on sometimes off).
I hate not knowing how much he is getting...not that I should be too concerned at this point as he is clearly getting enough by gaining 3.5lbs in5 weeks!! But when he is rooting and acting hungry just minutes after a feeding, it makes me wonder if I am really producing enough. It's hard to shake the fears of the low supply I had with Charles. It would be great to have a see through boob with measurements on it.
I hate the every two hour, hour long feeds. Its taxing. I can't DO anything while he is feeding and he is a sloooooow eater. So by the time he is done, I have an hour to shower or do something quick and then its go time again. And to add pumping in on top of that???
Which brings me to..I HATE pumping. But if I want to continue when I go back to work, I have to do it. This solves the 'how much' dilemma, but then resurfaces the 'am I making enough'. I pump about 2-3 times a day depending on schedule and how much he eats. I can usually tell if he drains everything or if there is some left behind. I also pump at least once overnight so that my awake time is less and W can help me out.

I hit a breaking point when Blake was 4 weeks old. I hadn't slept for more than an hour stretch in nearly four weeks. I found that I was dreading feedings and I didn't want to hold Blake in between. And id I did, I didn't want to do anything to stir him because he might want to eat. I was so ready to quit. Cold turkey. But I felt a quitter. So we made changes. I accepted giving him formula and pumping instead for a few feedings, especially overnight. I stopped pumping after every feeding. And more importantly I changed my attitude.

I had to accept that this is Blake and this is how he eats. If I can nurse him that is great. If I am not feeling it, I can give him a bottle. If he fights with me, a bottle it is. and I am not stressing over it. It doesn't matter what he eats as long as he eats, is healthy and is satisfied. And let me tell you, I am in a much better place. Since I have embraced it, I am actually more willing to nurse and it is rare that he gets a bottle during the day. And very little formula.

I am not sure what will happen when I go back to work, but for now I am setting small goals and will reassess when I meet each goal. The first is to make it till I go back...2 more weeks. Then I will see how pumping goes at work and how much I can get with the pump. If I am successful I hope to make it atleast 6 months...even if I am not able to make 100% of what he needs. Some is better than none.

For now we'll just keep on keeping on!

No comments:

Post a Comment