Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The Worst Roller Coaster Ride Ever

Disclaimer: This post will may have some TMI, medical info and probably sad. Also...its loooooong.

I am not even sure where to begin with this....but the last year has pretty much sucked.  Ok really, my life doesn't suck. I have two beautiful, amazingly smart, rambunctious, loving, happy boys. And a husband that (secretly) adores me. {He's not one of those guys that shows emotion, but he takes care of me and does things I wouldn't expect him to do. And never complains. Or tells me I'm failing.} So where did everything go wrong last year?? Let me start with January...

Long before W and I decided to actually have children, we had always talked about three.  When I had complications with Charles, we weren't sure we would even have two.  Then we had complications with Blake and the timing of his birth was going to be the deciding factor. NICU = no third baby.  No NICU = We'd talk.  He didn't go in the NICU! Yay!  So now it came down to whether my Dr. would ok it and the timing. (W wanted to wait, I wanted them 2 years apart).  I talked with my {amazing} doctor and she gave me the green light for the timing I wanted and W reluctantly agreed. The month to start: January 2013, for a fall baby.  Charles and Blake were conceived fairly easily so the thought NEVER crossed my mind that we wouldn't get pregnant IN January.

But January came and did February, March, April, May...etc. With each passing month I did more and more research. What can I do to help me get pregnant? I used OPKs (ovulation detectors), took my BBT (basal body temp) to confirm ovulation, tried baby aspirin, CoQ10, Iron, folic acid, mucinex...if it seemed harmless, I tried it.  September was the first month I tried Mucinex (I'll spare you the details, but if you want them google mucinex and fertility) and FINALLY at the end of October, a positive pregnancy test!!!!!!!!

I was soooooooooooooo excited!  I told everyone right away...coworkers, family, close friends, my hair dresser...anyone I came in contact with knew I was pregnant! {Except facebook..I didn't publicly post it there}.

A couple weeks later, I was on the phone with my sister talking about the pregnancy, and how I had told everyone, but who cares because in our family we didn't have miscarriages.  We are 'fertile myrtles' and get pregnant easily and stay pregnant.  I may deliver early, but getting pregnant wasn't usually a problem.  The next day, a Friday, I woke to bleeding.  Heavy.  I knew right away what was happening. I called my doctor and she had me come in for labs.  I had an ultrasound the following Tuesday and there was no evidence of being pregnant.  I had been 6 weeks along.  

I was devastated of course...but more so I was at peace.  We had tried for so long that I was beginning to think something was wrong and that I couldn't get pregnant again.  So despite the miscarriage I was happy that we could get pregnant. I just didn't want to go through the process again. It was stressful for us and our marriage.

The Dr gave us the ok to try again right away...and so we did.  My cycle was longer than usual but I did ovulate and was shocked to see, 6 weeks later, ANOTHER positive pregnancy test!  I think I was even more excited this time!  I just knew this was going to be it. I felt so strongly about it being a good outcome, there wasn't any other possibility in my head.  That same day, I called the Dr's office to get in for lab work {per her instructions}, it took some convincing of the nurse...but finally made it in. The lab work was to test for HcG, or Betas, and it tells how the pregnancy is progressing.  One number alone doesn't mean much so there is always a repeat two days later.  The numbers are supposed to double about every 2 days {store this away, it will be important later}.  So I had labs drawn Wednesday and Friday. The results were 6. Both days. Medically, that is barely pregnant. Most Drs consider anything over 5 pregnant, so I was on the edge.  So more blood work was ordered for Monday. But I knew...this wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy. Again.

Monday's results were 9. Rising, but still not where they needed to be.  The next day, Christmas Eve no less, I started bleeding. But I was expecting it.  Again, I was sad, but there was nothing I could do about it. My Dr called (yep the Dr, not the nurse. Love her!) and we talked about it. She said she was diagnosing it as a chemical pregnancy.  Basically that means the egg fertilized but didn't implant properly.  Most women don't even know they are pregnant with these and just consider their period to be late or their period comes on time.  She advised us to wait a month to continue trying, but wanted me to come back in again for labs.  I didn't bother following up with these as at this point I just assumed they were 0 after the bleeding.  A week later the nurse calls with the results = 12!  Weird. Why are my numbers still going up? Albeit slowly.  So back again for blood work scheduled for 2 weeks since the last one.

In the meantime, I had already ordered more OPK and HPTs (fyi - amazon is really cheap if you are trying to get pregnant!).  They came in the mail while we were on a weekend get-away with family.  The night we got back from our little trip, I took another test knowing that I was going in for blood work the next morning.  The test was positive...and DARK! Now I am really confused and thinking I didn't miscarry fully and will have to have a D&C. Ugh. So not what I wanted.

Well the numbers were 'high'...719. Now we are getting excited again.  but really how did this happen? I'll spare you some of the details, but basically nothing added up with the science of timing of ovulation, fertilization, implantation, the supposed miscarriage, timing of intercourse. It just didn't make sense. So I was medically deemed pregnant, but I had absolutely no idea how far along I was.  Dr ordered more lab work for a week later. Results were 2040.  Yay...they are going up, but not as fast/high as they should be.  So another week...2410. They are still up, but again not as high as they could be.  But now we can get an ultrasound to see what is going on.

Ultrasound day was Wednesday January 29.  I usually go to these appointments by myself as W has the kids.  But this time I made him come with me.  I was so nervous. I knew in my head, based on the numbers, that the likelihood of a good outcome was slim.  But in my heart I was so hoping that there was a miracle going on and my body just wasn't performing to the books. 

The tech first started with a  wand on my abdomen, stating that if there was a baby she would measure the baby and we would listen to the HB and I would be on my way to the exam room with the Dr.  If she couldn't see anything, she move to a trans-vaginal US.  As you've probably already guessed she couldn't see anything abdominally.  Sadly there wasn't a baby in there.  There was a small spot of fluid (I'm guessing, as she didn't say what things were throughout the procedure), but being that I have had two successful pregnancies with early US, I knew that it wasn't big enough to even say it COULD be something.  Devastation is not even the word for I was feeling at that moment.  I was borderline hysterical. It was awful. Just awful.

Walking out the US room to the exam, I passed by the Dr.  She looked up and smiled at me, and I lost it again.  She of course knew right then and all but chased down the tech to get the results.  Once in the exam room, we discussed things further and how she wanted to proceed.  My amazing doctor {Have I mentioned that before?}  wanted to proceed with caution.  While we both knew that this wasn't viable and it wasn't likely that I would pass everything on my own, she wasn't ready to schedule a D&C right then and there.  First step was to order more blood work and go from there...maybe more ultrasounds, etc.  It could be up to two weeks before we had a final determination. I cried and cried some more. Dr. pat my leg and reassured me as best as she could and at the end gave me a hug. I love her. Really, I do.

I stopped at the lab on my way out and by 4:15 that day, Dr already had my results.  My numbers were already dropping.  So the final diagnosis was made, 'abnormal pregnancy', and a D&C was scheduled for the following Tuesday.  It should end there right?  Nope, not for me.

Saturday...I get on the treadmill for a workout and afterwards head to the bathroom only to discover that I am bleeding. I immediately call my Dr's office.  Of course she is not the Dr on call and the one who answers has NO CLUE what is going on with me and why I needed to get a hold of MY Dr. ASAP. So all I can do is wait for Monday...I was already scheduled for Pre-op with Dr, so they threw in another ultrasound as well.  Things looked different, obviously, from Wednesday's ultrasound, but still not quite right.  When Dr and I sat down in the exam room, she point blank said "I don't know" what is going on.  But we are going ahead with the D&C the next morning so that we can say for certain that I was 'clean' of all pregnancy tissue, etc on that day.  The D&C went smooth and was fairly easy for me.  It was under general anesthesia and I woke nauseous, but was otherwise pain free. I even went back to work the next day.

So now here we are...I have a follow up with my Dr tomorrow to see what's next.  I'm certain she will tell me to wait a full cycle to actively try again.  I'm not sure what the ramifications, if any, are of having two successive miscarriages and how it will impact my medical care.   But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I still want that third baby...but at some point, we have to draw the line.  I don't want to be doing this for 5, or even 2, years. I owe it to my other two to 'get on with life'.  And IF we suffer another loss, I know we will be done trying.  We hope its meant to be, but if its not, well, I am still very blessed!

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