Breastfeeding.

So I'm sitting here writing this post with a baby at the breast...ok not really. I am not that good at it yet and Blake is still pretty little {albeit growing by the minute!}. He is indeed laying on my chest, just not feeding.

Anyway, back to the point...

I am finding that I have a love hate relationship with breastfeeding.

I love that I can physically feed my baby with my body. It's very fascinating that my body produces this 'liquid gold' and it helps my baby grow grow grow. And he is growing well...at the rate of a pound a week!
I love the bond we are creating and the closeness that I (hopefully) will have with him when I return to work and he begins to spend most of his days with his daddy.
I love the convenience in the middle of the night to just latch him on to eat and I don't have to mess with a bottle and I can kind of doze off while he eats.
I love he is getting the most perfect nourishment without chemicals and it is so natural.
I love that its FREE!!!!

But I hate being strapped down by this little being that I love so much when he wants to eat constantly. I feed on demand..so when he wants it, he gets it! There have been some evenings that I have nursed him for over two hours off and on (mostly on sometimes off).
I hate not knowing how much he is getting...not that I should be too concerned at this point as he is clearly getting enough by gaining 3.5lbs in5 weeks!! But when he is rooting and acting hungry just minutes after a feeding, it makes me wonder if I am really producing enough. It's hard to shake the fears of the low supply I had with Charles. It would be great to have a see through boob with measurements on it.
I hate the every two hour, hour long feeds. Its taxing. I can't DO anything while he is feeding and he is a sloooooow eater. So by the time he is done, I have an hour to shower or do something quick and then its go time again. And to add pumping in on top of that???
Which brings me to..I HATE pumping. But if I want to continue when I go back to work, I have to do it. This solves the 'how much' dilemma, but then resurfaces the 'am I making enough'. I pump about 2-3 times a day depending on schedule and how much he eats. I can usually tell if he drains everything or if there is some left behind. I also pump at least once overnight so that my awake time is less and W can help me out.

I hit a breaking point when Blake was 4 weeks old. I hadn't slept for more than an hour stretch in nearly four weeks. I found that I was dreading feedings and I didn't want to hold Blake in between. And id I did, I didn't want to do anything to stir him because he might want to eat. I was so ready to quit. Cold turkey. But I felt guilty...selfish..like a quitter. So we made changes. I accepted giving him formula and pumping instead for a few feedings, especially overnight. I stopped pumping after every feeding. And more importantly I changed my attitude.

I had to accept that this is Blake and this is how he eats. If I can nurse him that is great. If I am not feeling it, I can give him a bottle. If he fights with me, a bottle it is. and I am not stressing over it. It doesn't matter what he eats as long as he eats, is healthy and is satisfied. And let me tell you, I am in a much better place. Since I have embraced it, I am actually more willing to nurse and it is rare that he gets a bottle during the day. And very little formula.

I am not sure what will happen when I go back to work, but for now I am setting small goals and will reassess when I meet each goal. The first is to make it till I go back...2 more weeks. Then I will see how pumping goes at work and how much I can get with the pump. If I am successful I hope to make it atleast 6 months...even if I am not able to make 100% of what he needs. Some is better than none.

For now we'll just keep on keeping on!

One whole month...

Hard to believe that Blake has been here for a whole month already!!!! We love having him here..but I am not going to lie, it has been challenging! This is one of those times that I am glad W does not work and is home all day with us.

Blake is a super sweet baby and in general a very easy baby. But...not as easy as Charles was! Although I have been told that Charles was 'abnormally' easy and Blake is normal!

This time around I am breastfeeding..we tried with Charles, but because he was so early I had to pump and it didn't work out because I didn't produce like I needed to. This time I am able to produce so that part is going well and Blake latches on great too! We got past the part of soreness and pain...but he wants to eat every two hours! Let me explain what that entails: 30-40 min of nursing, 20 minutes of pumping, back to bed for 1 hour and up to do it again!! Yikes! This past Sunday I reached my breaking point, but I DID NOT quit! I sooo wanted to....instead we just made some modifications. I pump at night and W does the feeding from a bottle. Thankfully Blake goes back and forth with no problems!

Charles...well he has actually done really well with the transition. It could be alot worse! So far he just gets whiny and has a quick trigger to cry. He is also very good at ignoring who ever is talking to him! Overall he isn't acting out too much. W is here to wrangle him when I am stuck on the couch all day nursing the baby...

As far as loving his little brother...the first few days, he wouldn't come near me if I hwas holding Blake. But now he will give kisses and lay with him on the floor (supervised of course!). He still isn't really 'aware' of him yet so if Blake is on the floor or even in our arms we really have to watch to make sure he doesn't jump on/step on/squish/hit him. I am hoping that in the coming months as Blake gets more lively he will enjoy him more!

I am recovering excellent from the c-section. 10 days post op and I wasn't taking any more pain meds...woo-hoo!I am still exteremely tired. Not sure if it is still due to the blood loss or the 24 hour nursing or a combination. Either way, I am tired. We are trying to do things...like the above mentioned night time feeding change so that I can get more rest. I only have three more weeks till I go back to work! My time off is going sooo fast even though by the time I go back I will have been off for 12 weeks! I ahd a nice summer of no working!

Back to Blake...he has been growing sooo fast! I go to a Breastfeeding support group that is offered by the hospital every Tuesday. While there I can weigh him, feed him and then weigh again to see how much milk he is getting. Last week he weighed in at 6lbs 15ozs. Today he weighed 7lbs 15ozs. A whole pound in a week!!! No wonder he wants to eat so much!!! He is catching up fast and I have a feeling he will be bigger than his brother.

Here are some pics from the last few weeks:

Charles trying to climb under the bouncy chair (yes the baby was sitting in it), he also likes to sit in the chair and in the swing. He thinks these new 'toys' are great!

Hanging out in his bed!

Looking up to his brother already!

First bath...

Sweet baby!

36 weeks, 1 day and....

He is HERE!!!

BLAKE WALTER arrived Friday July 1, 2011 at 8:35 am.

Here is the birth story:

After our little stay in L&D at 34 weeks, Dr M decided that she wanted to check me for progress at every appointment...twice a week! Fortunately there wasn't much change despite having frequent but irregular contractions. My cervix was changing about 1/2cm each exam. If I got to 4-5, she was going to deliver. In the meantime, the office went ahead and scheduled my c-section for July 21.

After my appointment on Wed 6/29, where she told me I was 3-4cm, I started getting crampy but was fine by 1 pm and the rest of the day was fine. On Thursday I woke up crampy, ate breakfast and went back to bed. When I woke again I had more than usual mucous discharge that was tinged pink. By bedtime I had consistent clear eggwhite type discharge. At 1 am the discharge started having pink in it and I had timeable contractions. At 4:30am I was finally able to get to sleep but was awoken at 5:30 with a big contraction and my discharge is now red...So then I knew it was time to call the Dr.

We headed to the hospital and arrived around 6:50..Dr M checked me again and I was 4-5cm dilated so they decided to go ahead with my RCS. Blake was born at 8:35 am. Dr then had trouble getting my uterus to contract down and had to do external massage...Weirdest feeling EVER! She also had to give me about 6 shots of multiple medications to help and I was on pitocin for 24hrs afterwards. I also lost alot of blood, but not enough to transfuse.

Blake went to the regular nursery and had to have a little bit of formula for low bloodsugar..they wouldn't let me breastfeed at this point as they were still monitoring my uterus. He later had some fast breathing due to leftover fluid from the c-section but was fine by evening. Saturday night he started showing signs of jaundice and went on the bili blanket..his levels dropped overnight so we thought we were in the clear, but they spiked again on Monday..just hours before we were to go home! He had to go in the isolette for the heavy duty lights. It worked and we were all able to go home on Monday!

We have been home now for a few days and things are going great!! I am still breastfeeding and really enjoying it! And he is doing ok with sleeping...lots during the day, not as much at night. He eats every 2-3 hours and is a slow eater...

Charlie is still a tad unsure about this little creature I brought home, but he is starting to come around. He mostly is indifferent to his little brother.

Here are some pics:

Fresh out...

In the isolette under the lights for jaundice:
Just chillin' with Mom
Going HOME!

35 Weeks

What can I say, I am a little surprised (yet ecstatic!) that we are at this point!!!! There have been some bumps along the way, though minor in comparison to the road we traveled with Charles.

The biggest bump actually came last week. After going to my usual Wednesday appointment and receiving my next to last 17P injection, I went home to watch our neighbor's little boy and just in general lay around. Charles has been having a hard time going to bed by himself sine I have been home so he and I laid down to take a nap together. I woke a few hours later with the weird feeling of my dream being what was really happening..nothing serious just a weird sensation in my dream that I woke to realize was a contraction. W's friend had stopped by and we chatted for a bit. I sat on the couch the whole time as Charlie was still waking up (Neighbor boy was still sleeping). Once his friend left I told W I was having contractions. I timed them for a little bit and they were anywhere from 2 to 5 minutes apart. They weren't painful just uncomfortable. Although we knew what the Dr would say {Go to Hospital}, we called. Sure enough that's where they wanted us to go. So W quickly got the boys together and another car seat in the car and he drove me over. I didn't think they would admit me..fluids and slow down the contractions and let me go...NOPE. Dr checked me and I was 2cm and 60% effaced. She pulled out all the stops to stop the labor. I received the first of two steroid shots for his lungs and was put on the evil drug magnesium sulfate with a 6g bolus to start. I know this probably means nothing to you but let me tell you it was AWFUL! Contractions finally stopped around 10pm (I think) but then started again at 1 am pretty consistent a little more intense but still not painful. I didn't sleep a wink all night. By morning my back was aching and I felt a little cramping but nothing bad. Dr checked me again and I was 2-3cm and 80% effaced. So now we are all thinking this baby is coming this weekend. They just want to hold off to get the second steroid shot and another 24hrs for it to have any effectiveness. Fortunately contractions stopped again about 4pm and stayed at bay through the next day too. Friday morning Dr moved me over to the high risk unit and lowered my dose of mag. My nurse and I both said see you later in the afternoon because we were sure that I would start contracting again!

Well, I did but not consistently until 1am. What is with 1am??? I laid there just waiting for them to come in and move me...but they didn't. Dr ordered an increase in my mag dose again. Prior to this we were talking about being released on Sunday, but I know that I have to be off the mag for 24 hours before release so I was sure I was staying another day to again wean off of it. But nope...Dr came in and checked me again. I'm still the same, 2-3 cm and 80% so the contractions aren't doing anything which is very GOOD! And she turned off the mag...woo-hoo!! Saturday was fairly uneventful. I contracted on and off but nothing to be concerned about apparently. Sunday morning Dr came in and said let's go home! So I am home still pregnant and on 'bed-rest'.

While neither W or I wanted Blake to be born this early, we prepared ourselves because we thought it was imminent. I communicated this to my Drs as well. And honestly when you are prepared to meet your son, it is really hard to hide disappointment when they tell you "Not today" even though you know it is for the best. I have a feeling my Drs thought I was questioning them...a comment made by Dr H and then a comment by Dr M. But hopefully I cleared that up with Dr M by reiterating that we are happy he is still inside and cooking despite being prepared.

So now we are just playing the wait and see game...waiting for my water to break, contractions to get more painful, more dilation/effacement...anything that shows I am laboring (even silent labor) they will deliver him. (Yesterday I was still 2-3cm and back to 50% effaced and will be checked at every appt) If nothing happens..we are officially scheduled for July 21!!! Knowing that my body doesn't ever do what they think it will, I am 75% sure we will make it to then. So exciting!!

For now we are just going to keep cooking, relaxing and taking it one day at a time. I am still contracting here and there but not regularly or consistently. I get the most a couple hours before my procardia is due (every 6) and in the evenings. Dr wasn't concerned..or if she was, there is not much else they can do...aside from that they don't stop labor after 35 weeks.

Harsh Reality

I always thought I would be one of those Moms that would be able to work until I went into labor. My pregnancy with Charles was picture picture up until the day we went in to labor at 27 weeks. There weren't any signs of the troubles that we then faced. Being my first pregnancy, there was no reason to suspect or check for signs of labor or early delivery. It definitely was not how I wanted things to go. But in the end of course we are fortunate...we have a healthy little boy who is simply amazing.

Prior to even thinking about having another baby, we knew it was not going to be easy street. Dr. M warned us that when Moms have pre-term labor, it is nearly a given that it will happen again...and earlier in the pregnancy. But she had a plan in place for us to help ensure that we would be able to have a somewhat healthy pregnancy and get as close to term as possible.

Let me tell you...it has not been easy! Physically, up until now, it has been ok. Mentally that is a whole other story. In the beginning we were faced with short cervix (that later corrected itself) and I feel like I have been on edge ever since. On the outside and when speaking to most people, I am excited. And I have received a lot of comments to the effect of "this time it seems to be going much better" Sure, it is, in some regard. But we are also doing A LOT of things to help it go better. And those things are taking their toll on me. Others can't see the internal angst I have regarding the safe delivery of baby Blake. And it is hard, if not nearly impossible, to explain how I feel and have felt. I don't really want to be told to think positive, or if so and so did you can do it, etc., etc. You just don't know until you have been there.

My sister yesterday told me she was going on vacation. I asked her where and she then asked if she hadn't already told me (honestly I don't think she did :) but I can't remember) I told her even if she had, I am little self-absorbed right now! Fortunately, she understood. I think she is one of the only ones who hasn't tried to change how I feel about things...just listens. I love her for that. I'm sorry that my stress has affected the relationships (outside of me & W) have suffered... :(

So here we are at 31 weeks and getting closer and closer to delivery. My last day of work is next Friday, June 3. I was/am excited about it. Initially the excitement was just the thought of having time off work and being able to spend some time with Charles. But then I started feeling guilty because I was actually feeling pretty good. I began to question the justification for leaving work early...and then today came. I have {undiagnosed of course} what is probably SPD, a mild case but painful none the less. It hurts to walk, move my legs, turn over in bed, get up from sitting, etc. It has been brewing for awhile but has been manageable. The last two days it has been a constant burn and getting progressively worse. And if I stand for any length of time, my legs swell. And regardless of standing, by the end of the day I am almost always swollen. Today, I had full on 'cankles' by noon. My feet feel as if they are stuffed in my shoes. I just want to cry.

I have been on Pro-Cardia since 23 weeks...I hate the medication. It makes me dizzy, my heart race, and gives me an anxious feeling. It also contributes to my swelling and probably to my irritability too. I lashed out at W the other night...I felt awful. I was nit-picking. But I think sometimes he doesn't fully understand what I am going through. It is his baby too, but it is not his body that wants to give out.

Now I feel justified in leaving early...I need to be relaxing more with my feet up more...and no more dress shoes.

I feel like I can't plan anything..."What if something happens?" is always at the back of my mind...mostly at the front, actually. I registered Charles for a two program of swim lessons. I know he will love it. And then hours after I registered and paid. I questioned my self. The lessons will be during my 34th and 35th week. The risk of delivery goes up every week (normal pregnancy or not) and this becomes a high risk period for me. eesh. But I want to think positive that I will be able to take him.

I feel like a big baby. I should be able to do this. I wanted to do this. I have dear friends who can't or struggle to do this and they would give their left arm to be in my position...and I kind of want to do it again. I should suck it up and deal with it..right? I'm trying. W really has been soooooooo supportive. He takes care of just about everything around the house. And gets me just about everything I need..and he doesn't complain. I Love him.

Sorry this post isn't very positive. It's been a hard week for me.

10 weeks to go!!!

I can hardly believe that Blake will be here in 10 weeks or less!! (hopefully no less!) And things are still going very smooth. Only 6 more 17-P injections, 7 more weeks of procardia (ugh!) and in three weeks I start twice weekly NSTs and bi-weekly growth ultrasounds. Speaking of ultrasounds...last weeks ultrsound was a growth ultrasound...Blake was estimated to weigh 2 lbs 10 oz. It puts him in the 55%ile, so he is pretty average right now. He showed us his toes and 'the goods' again, but he would not cooperate for a face shot though. Such a stinker already.

Last week, an overwhelming sense of calm came over me. I can't really explain it...maybe I was holding my breath waiting to get past 'D-Day'? I don't know..but what I do know is that everything is going to be ok! I am not looking at every twinge or weird feeling and wondering "is something happening?", I know I will be going to work tomorrow (boo!), and I know Blake is going to stay in until he is ready...or until 39 weeks when he gets his eviction notice! All is good!

Here I am at 29 weeks:

The weather finally turned nice around here, and let me tell you Charles is LOVING it!! Here he is outside today with the sand/water table he got for his birthday...

Last night I opened the front door to get some air circulating andhe of course tried to go out. We stopped him and then he said to us "Outside now". He is getting so big and putting more and more words together...yet he still likes to tell me long long stories that I can not decipher!

Tonight is the third night in a row that he has gone to bed by himself in his big boy bed. No more Mommy or Daddy laying with him till he falls asleep. We kind of did it cold turkey too...and we have only had a few tears. Last night was the worst..tonight just a little whine. So proud of him! (I just hope he doesn't end up in my bed at 2 am again...eeesh!)

12, 5 and 'D-Day'

So which one would you like to start with?!?!?! Oh, my choice? Ok here goes...

'D-Day'- Yesterday was 'D-day'. It actually arrived without much thought or anxiety for me...well except for non pregnancy issues occurring at this time that I can not discuss on the interwebz. Oh, you want me to back up a bit? Wondering what 'D-Day' is? I went into labor with Charles at 27 weeks and 2 days. From the moment we knew we were pregnant, this has been the day that has brought the most anxiety for me...what will happen at 27 weeks? Will we even make it to 27 weeks? What kind of complications will I face this time? So we made it...I am now 27 weeks and 3 days! While we are not out of the woods in terms of delivering a baby that will not spend any time in the NICU, that I have not had any complications so far is reassuring to me. I have cervical checks scheduled on Wednesday at 28 weeks and again at 30 weeks. Hopefully both are great!

12- Blake will be here in LESS than 12 weeks!!!!!! At my last appointment, Dr M said that she will be scheduling my repeat c-section for 39 weeks!! That is July 21. Time is going to fly!! Of course there is always a chance he will come sooner, but we are guaranteed a baby no later than July 21!!!!

5- This one has to do with work... My place of employment is approximately 55 miles from home and at least an hour drive. Weeks ago, Dr M and I had talked about cutting my time down to part time starting at 32 weeks..but this last week she changed her mind and is now thinking of pulling me completely at 30 weeks. We will try to go to 32 though, barring any cervical changes prior to that point. I am relieved to say the least. My job can be very stressful and there are other factors that are keeping my stress level up. I have noticed an increase in my overall blood pressure this last week as well. Also...as we get closer to term the more likely something can happen, such as my water breaking, and I DO NOT want to be stuck so far from home if that happens.

So far I am feeling pretty good...getting bigger by the day! Thankfully my weight gain has slowed and I only gained 1 pound in the last 3 weeks. I do have pelvic pain that is pretty common in pregnancy. There is a technical name for it that I don't know, but essentially it feels as if the front of my pelvic bone is being pulled apart. It makes getting out of bed, crossing my legs and general movements alot of fun.

In addition to my cervical check, this week I also have the glucose test for gestational diabetes, and another ultrasound. I can't remember why we are doing the ultrasound but I don't mind getting a little peek at the boy! At 32 weeks, I will have every other week growth ultrasounds.

So that is the latest we are still hanging in and hope it continues to be smooth.