Still struggling

I need to keep reminding myself that breast milk is free...because yes, I am still struggling with it! Sunday night Blake nursed a better part of nearly 4 hours! And then was up again 2 short hours later!

I returned to work a week and a half ago and have been pumping during the day...three times during my work day. Its tiring. Not to mention that I can only pump about 12-13oz of the 17-18 he eats while I am gone. Fortunately I have a bit of a stash in the freezer but ultimately that is going to run out (in many weeks!).

Sunday I was at my wits end and was determined that we are done and I am going to wean...Then Sunday night happened. Blake didn't eat well from the source. He got a bottle once over night. I woke up engorged and feeling guilty...feeling that I am depriving him of what he wants: the boob!

I don't know how to give him what he wants and also stay sane. He wants to 'eat' constantly for hours on end. And I know he is not really eating, I have become the human pacifier. I also don't know how to not feel guilty that I am not able to satisfy him and that I just want him off of me for an hour!

I tried something new last night. He nursed around 6pm. I cut him off after 1/2 hour. He wasn't too pleased. He fussed and fussed on and off until 8pm when it was time to start bedtime feeding. But I think with time, he will get used to this new limited eating and will get hungrier and hungrier and will ultimately take a fuller feeding, and last longer between feeds and thereby getting hungrier again...do you see how the cycle goes? Right now I have what they like to call a snacker!

I couldn't bring myself to really start the weaning process, so for now we are going to keep going and again remind myself to take it day by day and that as long as he eats it doesn't matter what he eats!